My Friend Lost His Son

Dr. Gloria

I am certain you get tons of these emails daily. I have been reading a few things of yours online (radio transcripts etc). and felt I’d take my chance in emailing you. On July 22, 2006 a dear friend of mine lost his son. He was only 8 years old and he died on a fair ride in Michigan. My friend use to be a paramedic. He was with him when he passed and tried his best to save him. You can imagine the burden he has been bearing. He has had a hard time understanding why he was able to keep others alive, bring them back etc. but not his own. He has gone through all the questioning including feeling like it was his fault for taking him to the the fair. It has been 1 and a half years now and he still struggles ALOT. I know that grieving varies from person to person and that the holidays are usually harder but he still has mostly bad days. There hasn’t been many good days. There is always a reason to be sad and feel cheated. It is winter, he loved the snow. It is spring, he loved the park and it is easter. April is his birthday. Summer comes and he loved to help in the yard and mow. July is the anniversary of his death. Then school starts and fall comes and they loved to rake leaves and play. Halloween was a favorite night. Snow is coming again and it is Thanksgiving, now Christmas…..you get the idea. He still makes comments about only wanting to be a good father and being cheated out of that…and life having no meaning and often makes reference to really not wanting to be here. He was a single father. So it was just the two of them ALOT. He has two other children but they lived with their mother (different mother than the boy that passed) and they are much older (now 22 and 20). They don’t “need” him or “love” him in the same innocent, dad is the greatest thing in the world, way.

I really don’t know what to do to help him but I am really scared for him. Anything you can advice me would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks much
Sharon Cobb

Dr. Gloria Responds
Hi Sharon,
Very nice that you should care so much about your friend. It is a very difficult story. I would suggest that you take him to a Compassionate Friends meeting or the Candle Lighting on December 9th. Go on the Compassionate Friends web site and find an event. If there is no TCF in your area call your local Hospice or Hospital and find a bereavement group. Men often don’t want to go to group but if you can go with him you may get him to go. One and a half years is a very short time when you have lost a child. The second year is almost worse than the first. I think around year three you will see him thinking a bit more about the future. Good Luck. I would rather respond to you on the web as others have your same issues. Can we put this on the web? Thanks again for being such a good friend.

Gloria

Gloria C. Horsley Ph.D.
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