My Husband Was Murdered on October 8th
October 25, 2007 by Death of a Spouse
Filed under Blog, Dealing with Grief, Death and Dying, Death of a Spouse, Q&A
On Oct 8th 2007, the father of my two boys was murdered. I had no other boyfreinds before him and he was all I knew for the 12 yrs we were together. We had our share of problems as he struggled with drug use, which led to his eventual death. Yet despite of our problems I we loved each other unconditionally, now that he is gone I’m hurting so much that I find it hard to function sometimes, I’m obsessed with finding answers on the afterlife and I even got in contact with a medium. Now prior to this I was a very level headed person, but now I feel like I’m going insane, my youngest is 18 mos so he does not know but my eldest is 6 and it breaks my heart to hear him cry over his dad being gone. I don’t know how to cope with all this, this pain is so overwhelming, that I find myself thinking of my own funeral and of how I can join him, I know I have my kids to think of and this is why I’m so scared of my thoughts and actions.
Please help me .
Chantal
Dear Chantal,
We are so very sorry for your loss. With just two weeks since his death, you are still in a state of shock and, a feeling of being devastated and overwhelmed is very normal. After the sudden and unexpected death of someone we love the most, we have all kinds of thoughts that we generally don’t have and emotions that we have never experienced. After twelve years of being together it is understandable why you feel the way you do. Your emotions are still raw and all you can feel right now is the pain. It is a time to be very gentle with yourself and reach out to others for help when you need to.
You indicated that you are interested in Compassionate Friends. Unfortunately their membership is composed only of those who have lost children. But other groups are available. We recommend that you contact your local Hospice and ask for their grief group recommendation and we encourage you do this as soon as you can. You might ask a friend or family member to help you with this. Often the people at the mortuary and some of the local churches know of such groups or can direct you to someone who does know what is available. You may want to consider a few visits with a professional grief counselor. We have found that the load of grief is lighter when it is not carried alone.Â
We invite you to listen to listen on Thursday mornings to our radio show Healing the Grieving Heart You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/ . All you need to do is find the show you wish to hear and click on the MP3 Link. It takes a moment for it to download because it a large file. If you cannot download it, you can find the transcript of the show in the left hand column under Healing the Grieving Heart/PastShow Trasnscripts. We have listed some shows below that we believe may help you and help comfort your son during this really tough time.
August 30, 2007
Guest: Kay Hutchison
There is No Rule Book: Finding Forgiveness After the Murder of My Husband
July 26, 2007
Guest: Dr. Grace Christ
Helping Children Heal After Loss
November 16, 2006
Dealing with Traumatic Loss
Guest: Dr. Rick Tedeschi
June 15, 2006
Helping Your Hurting Heart
Guest: Lauren Littauer Briggs
March 2, 2006
The Afterlife Connection
Guest: Jane Greer
February 16, 2006
The Bereaved Marriage
Guest: Mel Erickson
We will post your letter on The Grief Blog because we believe it will help others who are also grieving. We have a wonderful, compassionate group of readers so check back now and then for comments of love and compassion that you may receive. We often also read letters on our Thursday show so you might want to tune in next week if that is possible for you.
We wish you comfort and healing as you walk this grief path,
Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley
Chantal,
When I was in college, I lost my best friend in a terrible car accident. I felt as though I had died myself. I actually wished I would, even though I had a close family who loved me. I couldn’t make anyone listen to exactly how bad I was feeling and it was painful every minute. I had terribly morbid thoughts. I cried constantly. I couldn’t think or concentrate on anything. I can understand how this might seem unbearable for you, trying to cope with your own feelings while trying to console a child as well. I cannot tell you how you will survive it, but I can tell you that you will because you must. I did and I was convinced I couldn not. It seemed insurmountable for awhile. Talk to people about your feelings, they are not unusual. They are real and can be overcome. When you get over the hill, you will see that happiness still exists. You will find it again, so be patient and believe in its existence. It will wait for you. I will keep you in my prayers.
Beth
Chantal,
I’ve lost my soul-mate too,and right now,I can’t imagine any worse pain! Three months ago an aortic aneurysm sneaked up and stole a piece of my heart. No one can tell you how long your grief will last….because it’s yours,and NO ONE else grieves in the same way! I suggest you check out the website “GriefShare.org” and find a local group. If you see this and respond and need help…I will try to help you if I can!
God’s Hope Is Light!
KIM
Chantal, I just came across this and reading this sounds like me. My husband was also murdered this year and I do know what you mean. I would like to get in touch with you as well as any others who are going through this. I really need to talk to someone if anyone know any sites please post them. This is the first time I use this so I do not know much about it. thank you for reading this and please give me some information that can help me.
I’d love to talk to you,Lisa. If you can locate a ‘GriefShare’ group near you,I would highly recommend that you try it out. I went to one that was at my church; It’s a 13 week class,and I plan to attend again when it starts in Jan. Anyone who is grieving should give it a try!! Anyway,email me if you want.
KIM
Chantal,
I too have lost my husband to murder. Although it was 15 yrs ago I still experience the kind of pain you talked about. He would have been 53 yrs old today. And I still have times when I miss him terribly.
But believe me when I tell you that it will get easier. It will never go away but it does get easier to bare.
Remember time will heal you.
I lost my husband on November 4, 2007. Its been 7 months and I still cant function. Nobody understands me or gives me advice that actually really helps. I dont know anyone that went through this. I am only 23 and already a widow. I hate it. It is so lonely. That person you shared everything with is gone. On top of that we have a son that was 11 months when he was murdered. My son was a daddy’s baby. If someone has been through this email me. I need to know what happens next.When will it get better? Will it ever get better?
i too have lost my husband to murder last march 19, 2008. and it hurts so much that i would cry every time i rememberd my husband. my husband was shot to death inside our house. i heard 5 gunshots on that terrible dawn of march 19. the pain is undescribable.
I also lost my husband to murder on march 27, 2008, he was shot seven times by two different people, I have 3 kids ages 2,4,9 and this is the worst possible pain I have ever felt. I feel like I am going insane most of the time and the rest of it I spend crying I don’t see how this can ever “get better”
my husband was murdered on june 21 2008. his band was on tour and he was trying to stop a sexual assault on one of our friends. the fight broke up but the man came back and stabbed him in the chest 1 time and he died.
that was exactly 2 weeks after our 1 year wedding anniversary. he died thinking that i might be pregnant.
i am broken and i feel like a brick wall is stopping me from doing anything. i can’t leave my house and all i do is cry. i am now on anti depressants and going to therapy but i can’t seem to stop crying. i feel completely robbed and can’t see any sort of future for myself. i have no idea how to cope with this at all. we only had 3 years together-including our dating- but 1/2 of me is gone -what do you do when the love of your life is taken away from you in such a brutal way?
MY HEART ACHES FOR ALL OF YOU WOMEN FOR ALL THIS VIOLENCE IN LIFE my husband was taken from me by negligence in the hospital !!I We were watching tv one day I was on my day off and we received a phone call from hosp. that my husbands medications had to be changed and tests had to be done by taking fluid from his tummy but that we would go home in two days! he was frustrated to go AGAIN more tests fine so we go.. well the love of my life did not come back home with me!! the long needle they used punctured his lung and he bled internally I didnt get to say good bye he was on a respirator and hooked up to all kinds of machines when I arrived.. I never ever thought that phone call would cost my husbands young life! I FEEL YOUR PAIN but let’s never lose our faith in OUR FATHER THE LORD he is the only one that will guide us in our strenghth and please never doubt that one day when the LORD calls us we will be with our eternal loves AGAIN.. there must be a reason GOD has us here!
i also have lost my soul mate. i am only 21 and my best friend in thw whole world and boy friend died about 9 months ago and im so lost. i dont know why im not better, people kept saying time heals all wounds but i dont think so. its ruining my whole life, or i should put it, i am destroying my life because i am so depressed.
i wish i knew what happens and if id ever be with him, we lived together and spent every second together like in those romantic novels, even my mum was jealous. he was only 25 and he was soooo beautiful and i just need him. i dont know how your all doing it, i was for like 8 months but now i cant stop thinking about him, i cant study, i lost my job, im hurting my familiy, i cant get out of bed, he had an overdose four days after we had a fight and he hadnt used in soooo long. the last thing i said was leave me alone and i never went that long without speaking to him. i am riddled with giult for his pain and his struggle and not calling coz i was being the princess who wants him to apologize after being mean. what does any of that mean when every night im alone now, the monetary expenses are all myne, theres no msgs to say i love you or no shoulder to cuddle up to, its just me and my god its lonely and deppressing and im starting to think im hurting more ppl being here.
i dont believe in god really so im just so confused. ive spent all my money on mediums and other things, while he was alive one time we talked and said if i ever died he would die too, coz he couldnt be without me and wanted to look after me, i promised id do excactly the same. now im left? i dont want to hurt my family im only 21 and so far ive been a very high achiever and people keep expecting the same girl. i dont know what to do. any similar situations would really help i think. btw to chantal, you poor thing, why would that happen, i know they say to make you stronger but wow its so painfull. your being very strong. when dan first died i couldnt go out or look at any males coz id imagine his cute dimples or shoulders and it made me physically ill not understanding why hed left without a note or something. This is truly awful
Emma I Know for sure that anything anybody says to try to comfort you will not help your pain Your pain is your pain and nobody knows your hurt THAT is how I have felt these five LONG FROZEN months!! I feel that time has stopped each day is the same BORING! I am blessed to have my daughters ages 13,13,19. yes we had twin identical girls that look just like him BUT let me tell you something it is so hard to have to act like a clown act like it is getting better because I can’t breakdown in tears like I truly feel in my heart! they won’t leave me alone they go with me if it only means to the corner store!I know they mean well and know how much we all loved him our ANGEL. BUT nobody will EVER TRULY KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVED HIM AND MISSSSSSS him more then ever just don’t let anybody RUSH you with your grieving I still dress in black since the funeral BLACK clothes everyday.. that’s how my life feels DARK without him no reason to dress up pretty like I use to just for him WE were so in love Emma I know what you mean!!!!YOU are not alone in this kind of pain you are aching just like alot of us are… I am no longer scared of Death because I know he will be waiting in Heaven but until the LORD calls us we have to keep facing life there must be a reason he has US here only time will show us. I send you all ladies a very big and tight hug I know we are all aching!!NOBODY can feel our pain!