My Oldest Son Just Passed Away
March 19, 2008 by The Grief Blog
Filed under Blog, Dealing with Grief, Death and Dying, Death of a Child, Q&A
my oldest son, Shawn, passed away form injuries received in a car wreck on 3-01-08. the pain is so unreal. we loved him so much, we did everything together. I have a hard time just going to work. I would of done anything to be able to trade him places. he has three younger brothers,we all miss him.
Kevin
Drs. Gloria and Heidi Respond
Dear Kevin,
We are so very sorry for your loss and we wish there were words that would give you comfort. We know there are none. No parent is prepared for the death of a child your loss is so very recent. This is a time to be gentle with yourself and with those around you just to get through the pain and loss you are feeling right now. Know that each person grieves in his or her own way. There is no time limit on grief and there is no right or wrong way to go through it.
There is a wonderful group of people called The Compassionate Friends that may be able to give you help and comfort. Each member has lost a child, grandchild or sibling and they understanc what you are going through. You might want to check http://www.compassionatefriends.org to see if there is a group near you. There is something there for each member of your family. If there is no chapter of Compassionate Friends in your area you may want to contact your local Hospice for a grief group recommendation. However, we understand that groups are not for everyone. If groups are not for you we recommend that you reach out to your family, church, and friends for support. We have found that the load of grief is lighter when it is not carried alone. Â
You might find it helpful to listen on Thursday mornings to the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/ There are a number of shows by and for men and we recommend especially the following:
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December 8, 2005: A Fathers Grief: Living with Loss and Change with Fred Troutman as our guest.
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February 15, 2006: The Bereaved Marriage with guest Mel Erickson
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November 2, 2006 Riding for Will with guest Bill Hancock
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March 15, 2007 Real Men Do Cry with guest Eric Hipple, quarterback for the Detroit Lions
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We will post your letter on The Grief Blog and we encourage you to check back periodically to read any comments that may be left by our readers. You may also want to listen to tomorrows show because we often read letters that have come in through the blog.
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Our blessings,
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Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley
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Hi Kevin,
We also lost our son on April 22 of 2007 suddenly. I am so sorry for your son’s death, the loss and longing that you are all feeling and the days ahead where you will sometimes feel that you are doing more supporting than being supported. My husband had a lot of problems expressing his grief and only very recently was able to begin to cry, to accept our son’s never returning and grasp the idea that he will never have our son next to him.
As for me, I went to pieces immediately. I went in the hospital for a week, blamed an older son for events prior to my younger son’s death. I am struggling but feel differently these days. I am in a place that is my reality today, not what I want but what I have. I’ve forgiven my older son and he has apologized and is sorrowful. It’s been a better relationship between the two of us but may never be the same. I’m trying to support my other adult daughter and always I’m mindful of how fragile I am still. I go to the gravesite less but still find great comfort in knowing this is the closes I’ll get to my son’s remains here on earth. I will sit shiva tonight with a Jewish couple who are friends and have lost their 94 year old father/father-in-law. I long for my son at times like this knowing that he should not have died in my eyes. I want him still.
I’m only writing all of this to let you know that some of your feelings may seem despairing and hopeless. The lightness of living and the draw of nature and the world before you will begin to draw you forward I hope. I’ve just started working again after almost a year. I had worked all of my life and then …
We are strong believers in the help that counseling and mental health care provides to us. My husband sees a counselor now. I stopped so he would go and begin the journey. It’s well worth the effort. Faith in a higher being is elusive for both of us right now. We are going through some of the “motions” that we did in the past. Not too much feeling in it though.
One final thought, the doctors recommended this one to you too, the group Compassionate Friends helped us both to differing degrees. I have tried to attend regularly. There is a workshop in our area coming up. I will be there. My husband has gone a few times but doesn’t find the same solace there. My daughter went and could not make it through a meeting. Everyone is different in their grief and their physical and emotional reactions. I just know we all need to be respected. I’ll be thinking of you and your family in the time ahead and knowing that in some way, we walk the same road.
Peace for Kevin and family
Dear Kevin,
I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I lost my 16 year old son , Travis, last May 27,2007 from injuries received in a car accident. At first I was so numb. I do not know how I lived thru that pain. I remember not eating, not sleeping, just taking one breath at a time. That
intense pain is no longer constant. It comes and goes depending on the day. I have learned to laugh again and even find joy in life, but it is not the same. I wish you and your family peace as you continue together down this path of grief. I am truly sorry for your loss.
Kamey
I also lost my son on March 1, 2008. This is the most unbearable pain I have ever been in. My thoughts and prayers will be with your family.
Dear Kevin,
I am living a similar nightmare. My oldest son was killed in a dirt bike accident 6 months ago. I feel as you do the pain is tremendous and unimaginable. We were beyond close. I use exercise as a means to lean into the pain and talk about my son every chance I get. The first two months I was just numb and in shock. Each month thereafter has become increasingly more difficult. The rest of the world moves on and that just feels wrong. If I come across that magic wand I will be sure to send it your way as well. Blessings.
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my only child on July 22, 2006. I don’t believe there is pain greater than losing our children. I would glad trade places with my daughter! I think we all would be willing to switch places with our children. Your loss is so fresh. Just take one step at a time. Sometimes it may only be one moment at a time. But you will travel through this pain. It does get “easier” but our hearts will always feel the pain of our loss. Please know you are not alone…we are all here with you! Hugs! Lana