My Only Child Was Killed in A Car Accident Last Friday
October 18, 2007 by The Grief Blog
Filed under Blog, Child & Teen Bereavement, Dealing with Grief, Death and Dying, Death of a Child, Q&A
my 21 year old son, my only child, my buddy, died last friday night in a car accident. i dont know what to do i want to scream tear my teeth out my heart is breaking. he was such a good kid. everyone liked him. always helping friends. kind, funny. the pain is so intense overwhelming black empty. this wasnt supposed to happen.
Mike
Drs. Gloria and Heidi Respond
Dear Mike,
 We are so very sorry for your loss of your son and truly understand how you feel. The hardest thing a parent can ever experience is the loss of a child and when it is your only child it is even more devastating. Your wounds are extremely fresh and very raw and it is a time to let your emotions out, talk about it, rage if you need to, and at the same time be gentle with yourself. Grieving is a hard path and no one grieves in the same way or in the same time frame.
 We encourage you to find a Compassionate Friends group in your area. http://www.compassionatefriends.org Each member of this group has experienced the death of a child and will understand what you are going through. If there is no chapter of Compassionate Friends in your area you may want to contact your local Hospice for a grief group recommendation. However, we understand that groups are not for everyone. If groups are not for you we recommend that you reach out to your family, church, and friends for support. We have found that the load of grief is lighter when it is not carried alone.Â
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You might find it helpful to listen this morning at 9 a.m. PST to the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart. Our guest this morning is Khris Ford, a mother who lost her 16 year old son in an auto accident, and you might find direction and comfort in her words. The show airs every Thursday You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/Â
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Our blessings and deepest condolences
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Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley.
Mike:
My 17 year old daughter died in a car accident in January. In the subsequent days, my wife and I felt a range of emotions including the pain that you have right now.
The morning we learned of Samantha’s death, we sat on the edge of our bed. Knowing that our world had changed forever, we talked about that in a few minutes our house would be filled with hundreds of people and for the next few days, we would have precious little time alone. We came to understand in that moment that they way we greeted the world in the next days would define how the world reacted to us and how we would survive this. When we got up from the bed we went into life the way we always lived it — arms wide open and welcoming others into our home and lives.
That worked for us. It got us through the funeral and days later, her 18th birthday. It brought our friends closer,gave strength to our 20 year old daughter, and brought my wife, Pegeen and I, even closer together. Our hosue remianed a congregation point for all of Samantha’s friends and that gave us strength as well. Most important, it honored our daughter’s life as it should be honored — she was fun, outgoing, and loved.
For my wife an I, we survived those days because of the decision we made in the first moments. Unfortunately, at age 50 she was to also die 30 days after her daughter due to a brain anuerysm which took her from me in a matter of moments.
I am so grateful that we used our last days together to love one another and in our grief over losing Samantha, realized that all the work that went into our marriage was for a reason — to get us through this moment.
Find the things that are importnat to you, to your son, to everything that you loved about him. Hold on to that and not to what is not to be. Easier said than done, I know.
That’s part of my story — it’s been an incredible journey that continues. I am sorry for the loss you are experiencing. Keep reaching out.
Mike,
I also lost my only child. My son. My best friend. It was also in an auto accident. He was only 16. Just got his license. This was March 13, 1996. They think they are invincible.
You will never get over the loss. You just learn to live with it. It is like a wound that heals somewhat but then the least little thing will make it bleed again.
I loved Clint more than anything. He was a good guy and a great friend. He is always missed.
I find I smile when I see something he would have liked…. the sun coming through the clouds, a beautiful sunset, a day at the beach,… oh so many things.
I am so sorry. Friends will try to tell you all sorts of things that they think will make you feel better when I have found the best thing to say is “I’m sorry” and then to ask you to tell them something about your best friend. So many times people will get that pained look on their face when I talk about my son. I’m still very proud of him and love to share my memories.
Don’t let the gossip of mean spirited ignorant people get to you. They will gossip. Ignore them.
Mike,
My son, who was 15 died Sept 24, 2007 in the hospital, 4 days after a skate boarding accident. I share so your feelings of pain and of not knowing what to do, but I seem to be functioning. It may be my faith or the love of my son which is helping me cope and go on as he would have wanted.
Mike,
Our son Zac’s accident was also on a Friday night. This friday will be 7 weeks. All I can say is that I know exactly how you feel. The screaming part - sometimes I feel like I could just snap and totally lose it. I don’t know why it hasn’t happened — how somehow I get up one more day and somehow get through it.
I remember standing on our balcony soon after it happened and could see how someone could, in just one instant of not holding back, throw oneself off. Something they would have never in a million years have done otherwise.
My husband and I both feel like we will never be the same. It’s like part of our future has been ripped away from us and nothing will ever make that ok.
The only thing that has kept us functioning has been the incredible love, prayers and support of our friends and family. But they will never understand the depth of the pain of losing our son. I hope you have supportive people in your life who can just let you grieve without trying to say the cliche things that just makes it worse.
Will there be a day when we don’t wake up with that intense aching in our hearts? I don’t know.
My daughter Steffani, 16 died in a car accident when someone (she even knew the person) ran a red light 10 houses from our home in 1998. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone thru. Then February, 2006 my only other surviving child, Derek, 20 also lost his life in a car accident. People ask me all the time how I go on. They say I am strong. No one will understand this pain unless you too have lost a child. I have 2 choices, wake up each day and lie in bed and feel sorry for myself or wake up and make the best of my day. I am in the process of writing a book about grieving the loss of a child. I am holding nothing back. I want each parent know that we can go on, even though it is the hardest thing anyone can ever do. I also want everyone else to understand our grief. There are so many things that we think and do as grieving parents that know one has a clue. But we have to stay strong and in time the pain does lessen. I don’t have the answers yet and may never find them, but I know I was blessed with the two most incredible children in this world. However I feel each day is the way I let myself feel. It’s okay to cry but it is okay to laugh too.
To all the parents suffering the loss of their child, I’m sorry all of our children have passed way too soon and I’m sorry for your loss.
My only chld was 18 when he killed and the pain is horrendous. On the 15th, it will be 1 1/2 years — its still unbelievable. Tonight I was crying and screaming in the car during my commute from the pain. I used to do this any time I was alone in the car. Now, I usually think, think, cry, or feel my son with me but rarely scream anymore.
I am close enough to those first days, weeks and months but yet further along that I can offer a bit of hope. It is unbelievable that we can live one more day after our child — yet we painfully do. Within a few weeks of our son’s passing, my husband and I began bereavement counseling and we started attending Compassionate Friends meetings. We also have our faith and each other. As you will notice your family is grieving also — but it is different than ours. With hope between your family and friends you will have a few people who know how to be supportive. This road is almost unbearable but find that something that helps you through it for the sake of your spouse, other children or yourself. This road is too difficult to go it alone and its good to have this website. We are all looking for something to heal our pain to bring back our child — that search will probably never end. Seek the help of loved ones, the love for your child, your faith, support groups of other parents, bereavement counselors. Allow yourself to feel what you feel and talk about your child and your feelings as often and whenever you want. There are family, friends, even strangers we can talk to about our child just like we always did before. We have tremendous gapping holes in our hearts but our hearts are gigantic and the more we give love the more we will share love and feel our child with us. Keep your hearts open, your child is in there. I will always live with my son in my daily life — after time passes I pray that you that you will realize this and also continue to live with your child in your daily life — it will just be in a more spiritual way. I pray for your children’s souls and comfort for all of you.
BIG HUGS
Mike
I came to this website to help find inspiration for one of my closest friends, she lost her 16 year old daughter, her best friend on Oct 29 of this year, also in a car accident. The pain I see in my friends eyes is unbearable. The grief I cannot even begin to imagine. She was a beautiful, intelligent, athletic, and loving person. She excelled in everything she did. The loss of her life affected many many others in our small community of just 900 people. All I can say is lean on your friends, your true friends will always be there for you, no matter what. They may not always know what to say or do, but they will be there and all you have to do is reach out to them. The most devestating loss anyone can experience is that of a child, our community has unfortunately been faced with this many times over the last couple of years. We have buried 6 young people, all beautiful souls with bright futures, over the past 4 years. The mother of one of the other girls killed a few years ago called and her advise was this “live each day without fear, because you have already experienced the worst possible thing in your life. Live your life in honor of your child, knowing that is what they would want you to do and know that someday you will be together again.” So live your life in your son’s honor, without fear of what each day will bring, because you’ve already been faced with the worst. God will someday reunite you with your son, but also know that for your remaining time on this earth, you will forever have an angel on your shoulder.
my oldest son Shawn ,pasted away form injuries received in a car wreck on 3-01-08 ,the pain is so unreal .we loved him so much,we did everything together,I have a hard time just going to work,I would of done anything to be able to trade him places .he has three younger brothers,we all miss him..