My Son Died of A Drug Overdose
March 31, 2008 by The Grief Blog
Filed under Blog, Dealing with Grief, Death and Dying, Death of a Child, Q&A
My experience with my 18 year old son Matt, who died of a drug overdose on June 3, 2007, is somewhat like that of one of your recent guests, Dr. Nancy Rosenbledt.
Before his teens, Matt was a nice, friendly, caring, and happy go lucky kid who for the most part, we did not have any problems with. He did not do as well in school as we would have liked, but other than that, there was no indication of what was to come.
Matt started getting into trouble from time to time around the age of 13 or so. To our horror, his problems involved stealing and drug use. My wife and my two daughters and myself all loved Matt very much. At times however, we became very frustrated with him because of his periodic bad behavior that we could not understand or respect. When he did these things, we would find it hard to believe that he had done them. He knew it was wrong to take things not belonging to him and buying drugs, but it was evident th at he had become very impulsive and also seemed to suffer from low self esteem.
At about the age of 15-16 years old, Matt was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder which my wife’s grandmother suffered with throughout her life. We got Matt on BP medication which seemed to help but not enough. It was also hard having Matt take his medication consistantly. Matt’s behavior led him to at one point, to be sentenced to a teenage detention program empahazing behavioral changes and drug use education for about 7 months. Since it was run by the state of Florida, the quality of the program was less than what I had hoped for. My wife and I found that we had little to no control of where he would be sent. It is a very bad feeling knowing that someone else, meaning the state in our case, has control over your son.
After the program, my wife and I made the mistake of thinking-or at least hoping-that he had grown up in the program, and that his problems of the past we re behind us. looking back now, I wish I had done more for his mental health needs-though it was difficult to get Matt to take action about that.
I could go on and on but the bottom line is that Matt overdosed and died while my wife and I were away from home on Sunday evening, June 3, 2007. The experience of my son’s death has been devastating to me and my family. Throughout all of Matt’s problems, he was still the fun loving, caring, and loving son and brother. That only made trying to understands his problems harder. It seemed out of character but it was reality too. I struggle with his loss everyday and I am not all that sure that I will make it through all of this in good health. I miss him greatly as does my wife and daughters, and I am try to understand how such an unatural and terrible thing like this could ever have happened to me and my family. Anyway, I appreciate your program.
Sincerely.
Tom Friend
trfriend1@msn.com
Drs. Gloria an Heidi Respond
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Dear Tom,
We are so very sorry for your loss. There is nothing as difficult as losing a child – there is no pain as deep and excruciating. As parents it is so easy to blame ourselves and search through the “should haves,â€Â “ought tos,†and “If onlysâ€Â for some kind of answers and often we come up empty handed. In reading your letter it sounds like you did everything you knew to do in a very difficult and challenging situation. It has been less than a year since this terrible loss and that is a very short time when you are grieving. It is important for you and your family to be gentle with yourselves and with each other right now. Each grieves in his or her own way and in his or her own time – there are no rules and, unfortunately, no short cuts. We wish we could tell you that one day all the pain will be gone but we both know that isn’t true. And yet there will be a time when you can begin to look forward again, as hard as that is to imagine right now.
We strongly encourage you and your family to become involved with Compassionate Friends. It is a wonderful group of people, each of whom has lost a child or a sibling. They understand your loss, your feelings of guilt, your wondering how you can go on can help you, your wife and daughters receive the comfort and support you need right now. The death of a child in a tragic way sometimes pulls families apart but, with help, it can also bind them even closer together. You can find more about Compassionate Friends and if there is a chapter near you at http://compassionatefriends.org. However, we understand that groups are not for everyone. If groups are not for you we recommend that you reach out to your family, church, and friends for support. We have found that the load of grief is lighter when it is not carried alone.Â
We are glad you are being helped by our program, Healing the Grieving Heart and hope you will continue to listen. You might find help from some of the programs on our archives at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/. We particularly recommend:
December 13, 2007
Men and Loss
Neil Chethnik March 15, 2007
Real Men Do Cry
Eric Hipple
April 5, 2007
Men and Grief
Guest: David Pellegrin
December 7, 2007
How to Help Your Teens Grieve in a Healthy Way
Drs. Heidi and Gloria are guests on
The Parents Hour with Dr. Arline Kerman
June 28, 2007
Dealing With Grief and Loss
Guest: Dr. Kenneth J. Doka
We often read letters we receive on The Grief Blog so we hope you will continue to listen. You letter could be of help to many.
Thank you for sharing your story with our readers. We will post it on the Blog so others can benefit from your words.Â
 Sincerely,
Drs. Gloria and Heidi
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Oh, my dear Tom,
My heart aches with yours as I read your story. The words could have been ours almost exactly. There are no words to express the depths of my sorrow for the loss of your precious Matt. Our dear son, Clint, died of a drug overdose in August of 2005.
I can feel all the love and concern you and your family gave to your son. I know these are not bad children from neglected families. These are wonderful young people that for whatever reason experience these baffling changes.
It is only because we loved so much that we grieve so much. Your grief is still so fresh and raw. I realize it is hard to believe, but further down the road the pain will get more manageable. The love continues to grow. In the mean time, I hope you give yourself permission to grieve on your own time table.
Gentle Hugs,
Debra Reagan
http://www.clint-reagan.memory-of.com
HI , I just wanted to say your story is so similar to mine also. My daughter had bipolar and self medicated herself from the age of 13 starting with alchol. We did everythig to help her. She passed at 27 from a bacterial infection to her heart from a dirty needle. She could be alive if she took antibiotics.
My heart goes out to youu as Lall the years before our children passed were so hard and then have them pass away after in the end. Its horrific
Hi, My story is very similar, my son was diagnosed with bipolar in August of 2007. I am sure he had it for quite a few years undiagnosed. He was self medicating and nothing I said seemed to get through.
He died of heroin toxicity which was utterly devastaing as I never would have suspected that.
I am struggling to survive these days and don’t know how I made it this far.
Dear Tom Friend,
I am so sorry for your loss. We are coming up on our son’s birthday. June 3rd. He died of complications due to accidental overdose on June 23rd 2006. He was a soldier and went to war in Iraq the first year of the war. We were so glad to have him home safely. He was ingaged to be married. He told his fiance’ that he was going to party just “once more.” After two tall drinks, he went to bed on a prescription drug, methadone. The combination stopped his heart. When they found him he had not been breathing for 8 to 12 minutes which caused anoxic brain injury. We had him at the VA Hospital for 5 months before he died. It was an unimaginable nightmare that I still have not recovered from. Nights are so long sometimes. He truely suffered such pain and agony from the brain injury. Our grief is complicated from watching him suffer all of those months. He was our hero. A decorated soldier. His baby girl was born one week before he died. We have her and that is a comfort. We just miss him so much. Our middle son was in Iraq on his second tour at the time. I guess what I want to share the most is that through all of the pain we have had great grace. God has our son and he suffers no longer. If it were not for His comfort we would not have made it through the first year. This is our second year. This memorial day we will go to the Dallas National Cemetery and place a flag and flowers on his grave. Death does not have the final say. Jesus is our comfort and our peace. I pray the same for you and your family. God Bless you Always! Ruthe
OH How difficult to lose a child, every loss is different, my son died on April 6, 2007 and I’ll never be the same. It has ripped the rest of my family apart and no one understands the grief of a mother, father, or sister………my life will forever be altered. sorry for your loss………
I am sorry to hear of others who have lost their precious children to drug overdose. We lost our oldest son,Dylan to an accidental overdose of pain meds and valium. He was handsome,sweet,and extremely intelligent. He was going to be a literature professor and critic. We blame ourself everyday for not being more aware of his pain. I do not know if he was bi-polar or not,but he had a job and a3.6 average in college. He was barely 21. He left behind 2 younger brothers and sisters. He was my husbands world. We will never know why this happened.He loved all of us and so badly wanted to live and be with us. It has been over 2.5 years,since he left us,but seems like yesterday. We are in need of help if anyone has any words of comfort. thanks! Kent,Terri,Blayze,Carly,Konner,and Gunnar Viator.
My son died March 26, 2008 of an accidental overdose. He was 23. My only child. I miss you Boy. I am devastated.
My youngest son died of an apparent drug overdose on Aug. 7 , 2008
I can honestly tell you that I do know what you are feeling.
My most heart felt sympathies to you.
I am just beginning this awful passage. My son was a troubled boy ,all of his life.
He refused any psych help as an adult and was very uncooperative as a child.
He was 32 when he passed of a heroin overdose. I had no idea he was even involved with drugs of that level.
I miss him so much ….
A grieving mother,
Lynda Froh
Tom,
My 19 year old son, Tommy, died on July 16, 2008 of a apparent drug overdose. We are still awaiting the final report from the medical examiner. They found oxycotin or “roxies” and xanax. We don’t know the amounts of the drugs yet. His father found him in bed.
Our story is so similar to yours. Tommy never did well in school and eventually did the things your son did - stealing for drugs and making bad choices. In recent months, he was on probation and had stopped stealing. He had been in rehab for a month in February and stayed straight for about a month or so but went back to periodic drugging. In the prior several months, we had researched bi-polar disorder and his symtoms were all there. He refused seeing someone to have an evaluation but then finally relented to getting help. His appointment with the doctor was August 3rd. He didn’t make it.
He also suffered from low self estem but had a big heart and a wonderful sense of humor. His friends spoke at the funeral and said how comfortable Tom could make everyone he met feel so comfortable iimmediately. His great sense of humor provided many, many hours of mischevious stories. Many of which, of course, his family had not heard until his passing.
All of our family, including his two older brothers, spoke to him constantly to try and get him to stop using drugs. Stories of other people dying from drug overdoses never hit home with him. He always said”Mom, that’s not going to happen to me.” Nothing worked and now I am overwhelmed with guilt for not finding something that could have helped. The grief is horrific but most of all I feel such a great sense of loss for what could have been for him. Eventually getting straighted out and living a happy, productive life.
I wish there were words other than “I’m sorry for your loss” but please know that I am sorry.
Warm regards,
Tommy’s mom, Toni Huddlestone
Dear Tom
I am so sorry for your loss. I, too, have lost my son (my only child) to a drug overdose — he was 30 years old. Tonight is the eve before his death, 4 years ago. I have to say, my tears still flow! I miss him mightily, and would give everything for just one of his hugs.
I wish you and your family my best along with the hope you will find the peace that surpasses understanding.
Mona
To Tom and all parents in pain,
My son died in May of a drug overdose; he overdosed on the day before his twenty second birthday. This weekend I picked up a picture of him with a giant beaming smile on his face and noticed the date stamp - December 25, 1997. I realized at eleven he was already middle aged.
We dealt with the many of the problems and good times others mentioned. Wonderful and happy; a “normal” loving childhood. Mental illness in early teens; drug addiction, lying, stealing, jail, detoxing. It was so painful to watch his torment and not know what to do or how to help.
As sorry as I am to read of others suffering it is helpful to know other parents understand this sorrow.
Beth
I ask myself everyday what I could have done if I had known my daughter was taking drugs. I knew she had dabbled in drugs when she was young, but I thought it was a thing of the past.
She overdosed on March 9, 2008, six months ago tonight. She knew how much I loved her. She tried so hard to be happy but her life was hard. She was raped in 2003 and never dealt with it in a healthy way.
Sadly, I believed that love would be enough. I stood by her through all her trouble but I wonder if I thought she as o.k. because I wanted to believe that and I knew there was nothing I could do anyway. She was 30 and an adult.
What could I have done?
I guess she lived a secret life because none of her many many friends ever knew her to do drugs since she was in her teens.
I just loved her so much. She was delightful, beautiful, smart, talented and funny.
I wish I could have been stronger and found a way to help her. I thought I had helped her, but I was wrong.
I went to a grief group and the first person to speak told of how her son died fighting a fire, another woman’s daughter had died of cancer. I hated to say that my daughter had died of a drug overdose. Not because I was ashamed of her, but because I was ashamed of me .
I will keep all of you in my thoughts.
Merris
I am so sorry for all of you. My son passed on July14, 2008. He was 22. He overdosed on a fentanyl patch. He was diagnosed bipolar at age 16. His addiction problems (opiates) really progressed fast this past year. It has been hell to watch. My sons addiction has left me with so much guilt and unanswered questions. Like your children, my son was so talented and intelligent. He could make everyone laugh and he was so gifted with music. Especially the guitar. Ben was not here long enough but he figures out things that some people never do. He loved everyone, he never judged people and he accepted everyone for who they were. I miss him so much it is unbearable. Hugs to you all.
cindy
I lost my son Chris on July 13, 2008 to an overdose. He was drinking, taking zanax and possibly some other pill. We are waiting for the toxicology screening. My son was 19 years old and my entire world. He had problems in the past with alcohol but had started back on the right road. I had even left him move back into the house since he was holding a job and trying to straighten his life out. On that Saturday night he went to a party and told everyone “this is my last party, my mom has let me back in her life and I’m cleaning my life up.” It was his last party - he passed away the next day. My son could still be here though, his friend said that around midnight Chris was foaming at the mouth (which I found out is a sign of ODing), the boys (all from the ages of 18-20) were scared to call 911 until the next day around noon when Chris’ breathing became very shallow. He passed away an hour later at the hospital. I try and not be angy at these other boys but how can I not - they might of been able to save his life. I know he made his own choices to drink and take the pills, but his death could of been avoided. There are even rumors that he asked them to call an ambulance at midnight that night.
I am thankful that I let him move back in with me for the past two months of his life. I don’t think I could forgive myself if I didn’t give him another chance. I just wish it wouldn’t of been his last chance.
I don’t know how I am going to get through this - Saturday was two months and it’s not getting an easier, if anything it’s getting harder. Chris was a good person. He might of done things to himself he shouldn’t of but he never hurt anyone else.
A grieving and devasted mom, Kelly
My son passed away on September 4, 2008. He turned 41 years old in July of this year. We found out about his death the next morning when his girlfriend found him lying dead on his bed. We are waiting for the tox report, but it looked like he died from a combination of alcohol and heroin. He liked the “high” from alcohol and heroin, a deadly combination, from his teen years on. He went through 2 rehabilitation programs. He only went through the 2nd program because he was arrested and had to endure heroin withdrawal all alone in a jail cell. When he graduated from the last program 9 years ago, we all thought he was home free. He was completely sober for 7 years, then 2 years ago he decided to start drinking again. He said it would only be a couple of beers on the weekends, but my son could not do that. His drinking escalated to drinking 24×7. I never thought he would go back to heroin. I keep asking myself why did he choose that path again. He was so talented in woodworking, music, cooking, and gardening. Everyone he came in contact with loved him. He was so tender, intelligent, caring, and generous. He had the greatest sense of humor. He loved his family. I just hope he knew how much we loved him.
I notice that many parents here have said the same things about their sons and daughters. I think our children were all beautiful gifted sensitive people, given to us for a short time. I think perhaps life was just too harsh for these sensitive beautiful people.
I wish I had hugged him more, sat and talked to him more, listened to him more.
The pain is so new, it’s like a searing sword in my heart. I don’t see how it will ever be eased.
God bless you all.
Joanne
I am very sorry for your loss of your son. My son Jason passed away on 3-17-08.He died of a heroin overdose in a hafeway house. He was 22. Down deep inside I know it is my fault. My #1 thing in life should have been to look after him and chain him to the water pipes if thats what it took. I can not forgive myself. It gets worse everyday. My life is over and I dont want to live anymore
David, I think all parents of children who overdose feel guilty. We all think we should have done better. We should have seen it coming. We should have given more support through the years. We should have loved them more.
You couldn’t have chained him to the water pipes, David. Stop beating yourself up like that. We parents all think we are at fault in some way and I agree that it’s hard to go on living, but we must. I try to think of what my son would have wanted me to do, and I know he would not have wanted me to blame myself.
I am going to see a grief counselor this Friday. I don’t know if she can help me, but I want to see if she can offer any insight so that I can somehow carry on with my life. I’ll let you know how it works out.
David, just keep praying for God to give you the strength to get through each day.
Joanne
David, For years, I would go to sleep every night praying that God would somehow take me away . I begged and prayed, and cryed to no avail… I just kept waking up every morning and participating in my life like I cared (fake it till you make it, I suppose!)
Now, 4 years after his passing, I want to live. I accept that he lived his life on his terms, and made choices that were his alone to make.
Trust me on this… I questioned every single thing I did as a parent… right down to how quickly I picked him up out of the crib when he cried! It is a FANTASY that we grow up with that says that parents have control over what happens to their kids. I don’t know about you, but my parents never had control over me.
David, I pray you are alive and reading this. It would be a crying shame to compound the losses of Jason’s actions.
Mona
I have just got on ot the internet and found tjis site.I lost my only child_ a son aged 26 to heroin 4 years ago.I find it harder now than then to cope -We had no idea that he was using and now I I blame myself more for not seeinng the signs