Our Little Lamb – Our Story

I had two pregnancies before so I knew how things should be. From the beginning of my third however, I felt something wasn’t right. I constantly feared that something would go wrong. I even asked my mom if she had ever lost a baby, even though I had never even thought to ask before. I was 28 weeks pregnant and we were at the grocery store when I realized that he had not moved that day. After some thought, I knew that he had not moved the day before. I knew something was wrong. I called the doctor’s office, and they asked if anything happened that could have changed things. I told them I fell twice the week before but I didn’t hit my stomach. They told me to go to the ER and get checked out. If all was well, I would be out in an hour or two. My mom picked up our other two boys, aged 2 and 4. That was at about 5 p.m. The nurses searched for a heartbeat, and when they couldn’t locate it, an ultrasound was ordered. I already knew he wa s gone. My husband wasn’t supposed to see the picture, but he did and there was no movement or heartbeat. The doctor told us the devastating news. I asked how we were going to get him out and she told us that I would have to deliver him or have a c-section that time as well as in the future. I agreed to deliver. My mom had to work the following day, so she brought the boys to us, and I told her the news. She asked what happened and I told her that they didn’t know. She couldn’t believe that I had to deliver. My boys went to my uncle’s and she called off of work to stay with me. I ate because I had not eaten all day. At about 11:00 p.m., they administered the medicine to induce labor. My sister-in-law visited me the next day and she snuck me some cheez-its. I had to use the restroom afterwards. 24 hours passed and nothing was happening. The doctor decided to administer the medicine vaginally. Almost immediately, I started having labor pains. They gave me demer ol and morphine, but they didn’t help. The doctor said that he wouldn’t be that big and I might not have to dilate fully so I intended to have a natural birth. After the pain intensified, I relented and asked for the epidural. The man who administered the epidural was with a c-section patient and would get to me as soon as possible. It was too late. He started to come and I told my husband to page the nurse. My mom tried to go get her, but as she went to the end of the bed, he ejected, just popped out. He was declared stillborn on February 7th, 2007. My mom and my husband started crying. When the nurses came, we told them, and they said that they guessed from my screams. My mother and I held the baby, but my husband couldn’t bear. We named him Luca Anthony Michael Borders, and called him our little lamb, because his initials spell lamb. My mom bought me a bear and the baby a bear and preemie outfit that was still too big. When the boys came, my older one held hi m but the younger one wanted nothing to do with him. The younger one wasn’t fond of the idea of a new baby. My older one understood that the baby was dead. For months after it happened, I couldn’t bear to use the word dead. My mom asked if I wanted her to take the baby’s things and I said no. However, when I arrived at our home, I couldn’t bear even to go in, so I called and she came to pick up the stuff. We returned the things we had just bought for the baby, but the burden was on my husband. I made sure that he was going to be warm and that no insects could get to him. We had a blanket that we bought for the baby that he was buried with along with his bear and he wore his preemie outfit. When they put him in the ground, I wanted to scream to stop and run away with him; my husband, I would later learn felt the same way. Many people cried, especially my mom. She told me to let it out, but I had already cried so much. My parents took us out to dinner afterwards, b ut I didnt’ eat.
Weeks passed and I was still depressed, so my mom and my husband told me to get some help. I started seeing a therapist and I still see her. I couldn’t fathom why this had happened to us and other people I felt less deserving could have their baby due about the same time as mine was. My husband’s pregnant 14 year old cousin had her son. A 17 year old who was married had her 3rd child even though she drank while she was pregnant. I cycled throught the stages of grief.
Months after it happened, he finally recieved his gravestone. There is a lamb and an angel, as well as his information on it.
When my therapist gave birth to her son 15 months after mine died, and on his original due date, I found a reason. My baby died so a couple who had trouble concieving, such as my therapist and her husband, could have a baby. I am not happy that my baby is gone, but I am happy that they have the baby they have desired. He is healthy.
This is my story and I wanted to share it.
Drs. Gloria and Heidi Respond

Dear Beverly,

We are so very sorry for your loss. Nothing in life prepares us for the loss of a baby and you were so wise to seek counseling and to continue it as long as you need it. There are so many questions and so few answers to why this happens and few words that can truly console us.

Thank you for sharing your story. We are posting it on The Grief Blog because we find  that each story touches the hearts of many and helps others bear thier grief. We have found that the burden of grief is lighter when we don’t have to carry it alone.

We infite oin us on Thursday mornings for the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart  You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com  You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/  We specifically recommend:
 Blessings,January 24, 2008
Pregnancy Loss: Our babies are just a cloud away
Guest: Diana Gardner-Williams
October 11, 2007
Coping with Pregnancy and Infant Loss
Guest: Monica Novak

January 18, 2007
Grieving the Still Born Child
Guest: Lorraine Ash

Our blessings,

Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley