Please Assist My Brother and I with Our Guilt and Love and Loss of our Recently Deceased Father Who Passed Away on March 9, 2008
I am a 38 year old single woman, with 2 beautiful boys ages 18 and 9. I lost a lot time with my mother due to my past addictions many years ago and never even had the chance to say goodbye or attend her funeral. On Feb. 6 of 2008 my dearest father went in for what was supposed to be a “routine†prostate surgery and a cystectomy from the bladder. My father was 74 and had a history of Cardiac issues including 3 heartattacks and a quadruple bypass surgery. However, his heart was still 50% functional prior to this surgery. My father also had kidney atrophy and he lost complete function of the left kidney following this “routine†surgery. Then, he was quickly “pushed†into transitional care; short of breath and I warned them that they were pushing him to hard due to his heart condition. They pushed on, and he thus sustained another heart attack leaving him with only 15% heart function and a 10% to 25% kidney function. My brother, sister and I then choose to have him transferred to Penn University where he was admitted in CICU where they found post-operative neglect located at the bladder op site with urine leaking profusely from his stomach.They recathed him, and drained several units from his system. Three days later, they indicated he no longer required CICU and that even though he has heart disease, he was stable enough to be moved to the med/surg floor; the next day he had a heart cath which ultimately revelaed his heart was not pumping blood in and out, but instead “shaking†like jello as so described. The physicians administered meds to attempt to regulate his heart, and were unsuccessful after 24 hours. They then increased the meds with caused his BP to drop rapidly; On Saturday March the 8,2008 they told us that our father was going to die, and that we must make the heart wrentching decision to take him off the heart meds; administer morphine to make him “comfortable†and he died within 10 minutes of the morphine administration. My brother and I are severed with unrelenting guilt. He went from a healthy, outgoing, loving man, to becoming ultimatley disabled, hallucinating, and calling out to his parents unable to identify his on children a few days prior to his death. On occassion, he would say my name; I spent 4 weeks in the area to see him in the hospital; he was getting better it seemed; then a sudden turn; My brother and I, who are devote christians, cannot help but wonder why so quickly, and that we did not want the hosptial to administer the morphine so rapidly; we wanted the chance to talk with him w/o being under the influence of drugs; to at least let him know what was going on; they did not allow it; and he died soon after I was chosen to tell my father it was “O.K. to let go and move on†He did within 2 breaths; holding his hand; tears down our faces, my brother and I are heart broken; seeing him literlly go into cardiac arrest and respiratory failure within a few short minutes which seemed like a lifetime; in extreme pain. We wonder, did we help him dye before his time. Did we make the right decision? Is the God’s decision? I know death is in God’s time, but this was in the physicians time, so it seems to us; Honestly we feel as if we let our father down in some way. This was not his time; we think w/o the medically “assisted†morphine, he may have had lived just another year. We dont or may never know. But the guilt and pictures in our minds our overwhelming us, consuming us with guilt, love, sadness, yet peace. Please help my brother Rob and I understand what we can do to make peace within ourselves; with the entire situation. Please someone share as soon as possible. We are getting together to go to probate next friday and cleaning his home; where I spent my entire summers in Barnegat. I feel his presence; I saw his fear; his pain and his struggle to breathe and stay alive. This is what my brother and I cannot let go of. Someone please by the Grace of God reace out to us, so we may find some type of peace or acceptance.
Sincerely,
Elizabeth Anne
Drs. Gloria and Heidi Respond
Dear Elizabeth Anne,
We are so very sorry for your loss. It has been a very short time since your father’s death and your wounds are still very raw and your emotions in a turmoil. The death of someone we love is never easy and there are few words that can truly give comfort when you are in the middle of the intense pain that accompanies the death of someone you love greatly. Guilt is also experienced by many, causing you to go over and over what you could have/should have done. What you are experiencing is very “normal” if there is such a thing. Everyone goes through grief in his or her own way and there is neither a time frame nor a right or wrong way to do it. You and your brother will grieve differently in many ways. What we know for certain is that this is a time for you and your brother to be gentle with yourselves. Get some extra rest if you can because grieving is very hard work and taxing on the body. Talk about your feelings. Cry as much as you need to. Know that as humans we make the best decisions we can possibly make with the awareness we have at that moment and that if you could have made better decisions in regard to your father, you would have done so. It’s easy to look back and question yourself even though you know you did the best you could do at the time.
We encourage you to find a “grief group” or a grief counselor who can help you through this intense time. Often the hospital can refer you to a group or a counselor or you can call the local hospice and ask about grief groups. This gives you a chance to talk about your loss and to give and receive comfort from others who have also experienced the death of a loved one. However, we understand that groups are not for everyone. If groups are not for you we recommend that you reach out to your family, church, and friends for support. We have found that the load of grief is lighter when it is not carried alone.Â
You might find it helpful to listen on Thursday mornings to the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/ Some shows we recommend for you and your brother are:
   June 28, 2007 Guest: Ken Doka – Dealing With Grief and Loss
   December 20, 2007 Guest: Neil Chethik – Men and Loss
   January 19, 2006 Guest: Bob Baugher – Coping With Anger and Guilt After a Loss
   January 17,2008 Rabbi Earl Grollman – Healing With Hope
We will post your letter on The Grief Blog and we encourage you to check back for comments. Our readers are a very loving and compassionate group and offer wisdom gained from their own grief. You might want to listen to next weeks show, Healing the Grieving Heart, because we often refer to letters we receive on the grief blog.
Our blessings,
Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley
Hi Elizabeth Anne, My Dad died a week ago. Man I feel for you guys. Dad got a diagnosis of bowel cancer last June, and in the same week he contracted pneumonia and had a stroke. The surgeon decided to isolate the tumour and lead off the bowel through a temporary iliostomy bag. The surgery was a success, and in the middle of his radiotherapy and chemo treatment, he and Mum walked me down the isle on my wedding day. The plan was to shrink and remove the tumour then another 8 months reverse the need for a bag. He absolutely hated that bag, always leaking, always some problem but he never complained like anyone else would be expected to. During his procedures he would have to be in hospital for a nasal gastric tube as the bowel contents would come back up. One time he couldn`t eat for 2 and 1/2 weeks. I witnessed him go through so much and when the nurses or doctors would ask how he was he`d simply say `Not too bad thanks` Of course he blew me away with his humbleness. My husband and I are also Christians, Dad was baptised Catholic and we would witness to him and Mum the necessity of making sure the Lord was in their hearts. We prayed of course for every mishap, setback and thanked God for strength for Dad, Mum and us. About 2 months ago they found spots on his liver and suggested to try more chemo, if it didn`t shrink them he may have 6-12 months. The 2nd treatment knocked him real hard, he forced himself to eat. Just last Friday Mum growled at him for not eating. He went outside to put something in the rubbish came back in and said how sore his back was. Then he sat down and gave a few deep breaths and then nothing. Mum rang 111 they came but he was gone. The shock was incredible, it still is. We had Dad with us at home for a few days before we buried him 2 days ago. We could try and beat ourselves up for not witnessing enough, how we could`ve talked him out of chemo, but the thing is, we try what we can to make the best decisions at the time of turmoil. You, like us, only wanted the best outcome for our Dads`. And for us we believe he is at peace because God`s word Romans 10:8 tells us so. Just because we are a different donomination than Mum and Dad`s catholic faith doesn`t mean to say they don`t know the Lord. You and your brother did the best you could with what you had to face at the time. Take heart he was in the Lord`s hands, and it is something so much bigger than us. We will pray for you guys. Don`t forget your hearts are vunerable, pray to the God of all strength peace and love, and he will supply you with all your needs. May God Bless you abundantly. Lisa and Dean
I read your story and cried. My dad is very ill right now. I feel we will shortly be faced with the same decision you had. It is so devastating to imagine living my life with out him. He also has 15 percent of his heart and one lung and several other problems. They say he can only stay on the breathing tube for so long. We need to make a decision and I can’t seem to do it. My faith in God tells me when it is your time you will go no matter what the doctors do. I just don’t know if we can wait.I have experienced pain in my life but not like this. I’m not sure how to go on. I hope you are coping better, I also believe eventually time heals everything. My thoughts are with you and your brother, please keep us in your prayers. Thanks
Im sorry for your loss I have lost my father 6months and a week ago and my mother I just lost 3 days ago . I am still numb as to what happened to my mom , and I am angry that the doctor didnt dianose her correctly , But I alos have the peace that she is with my father and my daughter now , I lost my daughter 3 years ago .I quit trying to understand the whys and whats and the doubts if it wasnt there time they would still be here no matter what , its Gods timing not ours and I think your guilt is unjust you loved you parents and were there for them till the end .Dont feel guilty feel the love they left and pass it on in doing so they live on through you and remember they are in a better place without sickness and disease and no high gas prices , sorry ahd to throw that in . I hope you find peace
My Mom passed away last September and my Dad has been grieving lately. Up until a month ago he had been kept very busy. I know how very much he misses her. His arteries are blocked about 90% and he suffered a heart attack about 8 years ago. He is in hospital right now with shortness of breath, anxiety and possible other complications. I am not ready or prepared to lose my Dad. I watched what morphine did to my Mom in 3 or 4 days, but it did ease her pain. At least my family had a chance to say our good-byes and I am very sensitive to your loss. I hope comforting words from others will help. I have recently joined a bereavement support group and think it will help, as the others have all suffered losses. You are both in my thoughts. Guilt results from things in the past. Think of today and what you can do today to make life easier. I am sure your dad is watching! All the best!
I lost my father 3 weeks ago, 83 yrs old.
He had Lewy body dementia and a weak heart. He could not
enjoy anything anymore, no tv. or reading, or even keeping up
conversation. He was in a hospital, and could not move in his bed.
Then he got pneumonia , and the doctors reccommeded no treatment,
only oxygyn and morphine. The Doctor said pnumonia is often a frend of the
older people, when sick.
I did not want to see my father suffer any more, so me and my sister
agreed to this treatment. He died peacefully on the 7th day. He never
had any pain I think.
That to me, is a natural way of going. I dont belive in keeping a person alive
when the quality of live is gone. Let nature take its course.
I know in my heart, he is feeling good now where he is.
I feel that we did the right thing for him.
I do grief very much, and I can understand all of you .
God bless.
I lost my mother 3 weeks ago,she was 65 years old. She was suffering from a number of illnesses for over 20years. Skin cancer a number of times.Lupus,Congestive heart failure,mini strokes,emphysema,MDS (pre-leukemia) and diabetes in the end. Her rapid demise started when she needed emergency gall bladder surgery. She never recovered,they let her go from the hospital when she hadnt eaten anything for a week in the hospital and that continued when she was at home for 3 weeks and during that time she needed to start chemo again for her bone marrow disease. That put her over ,so we called an ambulance 3 weeks after her surgery. She spent 10 days in the hospital. Coherent and witty. Then she jsut couldnt breathe,her MDS was killing her,her emphsyema developed into pneumonia and that was it for her. She was on a bipap machine,breathing machine before ventilation. She would never recover from ventialtion. Per my moms request none of that and DNR. I feel like we let her live one too many days when she could barely open her eyes and she struggled horribly to breathe but I new she could hear us. She would move her head. She waited to pass until we had to leave to go home to my babies. Her sister and favorite nephew were there. She never wanted to be alone in the end but never wanted us to witness her last breathe. It was the most horrible thing to experience but she is at peace but I am not.