Please Assist My Brother and I with Our Guilt and Love and Loss of our Recently Deceased Father Who Passed Away on March 9, 2008

I am a 38 year old single woman, with 2 beautiful boys ages 18 and 9. I lost a lot time with my mother due to my past addictions many years ago and never even had the chance to say goodbye or attend her funeral. On Feb. 6 of 2008 my dearest father went in for what was supposed to be a “routine” prostate surgery and a cystectomy from the bladder. My father was 74 and had a history of Cardiac issues including 3 heartattacks and a quadruple bypass surgery. However, his heart was still 50% functional prior to this surgery. My father also had kidney atrophy and he lost complete function of the left kidney following this “routine” surgery. Then, he was quickly “pushed” into transitional care; short of breath and I warned them that they were pushing him to hard due to his heart condition. They pushed on, and he thus sustained another heart attack leaving him with only 15% heart function and a 10% to 25% kidney function. My brother, sister and I then choose to have him transferred to Penn University where he was admitted in CICU where they found post-operative neglect located at the bladder op site with urine leaking profusely from his stomach.They recathed him, and drained several units from his system. Three days later, they indicated he no longer required CICU and that even though he has heart disease, he was stable enough to be moved to the med/surg floor; the next day he had a heart cath which ultimately revelaed his heart was not pumping blood in and out, but instead “shaking” like jello as so described. The physicians administered meds to attempt to regulate his heart, and were unsuccessful after 24 hours. They then increased the meds with caused his BP to drop rapidly; On Saturday March the 8,2008 they told us that our father was going to die, and that we must make the heart wrentching decision to take him off the heart meds; administer morphine to make him “comfortable” and he died within 10 minutes of the morphine administration. My brother and I are severed with unrelenting guilt. He went from a healthy, outgoing, loving man, to becoming ultimatley disabled, hallucinating, and calling out to his parents unable to identify his on children a few days prior to his death. On occassion, he would say my name; I spent 4 weeks in the area to see him in the hospital; he was getting better it seemed; then a sudden turn; My brother and I, who are devote christians, cannot help but wonder why so quickly, and that we did not want the hosptial to administer the morphine so rapidly; we wanted the chance to talk with him w/o being under the influence of drugs; to at least let him know what was going on; they did not allow it; and he died soon after I was chosen to tell my father it was “O.K. to let go and move on” He did within 2 breaths; holding his hand; tears down our faces, my brother and I are heart broken; seeing him literlly go into cardiac arrest and respiratory failure within a few short minutes which seemed like a lifetime; in extreme pain. We wonder, did we help him dye before his time. Did we make the right decision? Is the God’s decision? I know death is in God’s time, but this was in the physicians time, so it seems to us; Honestly we feel as if we let our father down in some way. This was not his time; we think w/o the medically “assisted” morphine, he may have had lived just another year. We dont or may never know. But the guilt and pictures in our minds our overwhelming us, consuming us with guilt, love, sadness, yet peace. Please help my brother Rob and I understand what we can do to make peace within ourselves; with the entire situation. Please someone share as soon as possible. We are getting together to go to probate next friday and cleaning his home; where I spent my entire summers in Barnegat. I feel his presence; I saw his fear; his pain and his struggle to breathe and stay alive. This is what my brother and I cannot let go of. Someone please by the Grace of God reace out to us, so we may find some type of peace or acceptance.
Sincerely,
Elizabeth Anne

Drs. Gloria and Heidi Respond

Dear Elizabeth Anne,

We are so very sorry for your loss. It has been a very short time since your father’s death and your wounds are still very raw and your emotions in a turmoil. The death of someone we love is never easy and there are few words that can truly give comfort when you are in the middle of the intense pain that accompanies the death of someone you love greatly. Guilt is also experienced by many, causing you to go over and over what you could have/should have done. What you are experiencing is very “normal” if there is such a thing. Everyone goes through grief in his or her own way and there is neither a time frame nor a right or wrong way to do it. You and your brother will grieve differently in many ways.  What we know for certain is that this is a time for you and your brother to be gentle with yourselves. Get some extra rest if you can because grieving is very hard work and taxing on the body. Talk about your feelings. Cry as much as you need to. Know that as humans we make the best decisions we can possibly make with the awareness we have at that moment and that if you could have made better decisions in regard to your father, you would have done so. It’s easy to look back and question yourself even though you know you did the best you could do at the time.

We encourage you to find a “grief group” or a grief counselor who can help you through this intense time. Often the hospital can refer you to a group or a counselor or you can call the local hospice and ask about grief groups. This gives you a chance to talk about your loss and to give and receive comfort from others who have also experienced the death of a loved one. However, we understand that groups are not for everyone.  If groups are not for you we recommend that you reach out to your family, church, and friends for support.  We have found that the load of grief is lighter when it is not carried alone. 

You might find it helpful to listen on Thursday mornings to the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart  You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com  You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/ Some shows we recommend for you and your brother are:

    June 28, 2007 Guest: Ken Doka - Dealing With Grief and Loss
    December 20, 2007 Guest: Neil Chethik - Men and Loss
    January 19, 2006 Guest: Bob Baugher - Coping With Anger and Guilt After a Loss
    January 17,2008 Rabbi Earl Grollman - Healing With Hope

We will post your letter on The Grief Blog and we encourage you to check back for comments. Our readers are a very loving and compassionate group and offer wisdom gained from their own grief. You might want to listen to next weeks show, Healing the Grieving Heart, because we often refer to letters we receive on the grief blog.

Our blessings,

Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley