Six Steps to Take When You’re Grieving and Cry in Public

By Harriet Hodgson

Crying comes with the grief territory. You may sob uncontrollably right after the death of your loved one. Later in the grief journey you may cry at odd times and in odd places. Worse, you may start to cry without any warning. These crying bouts may upset family, friends, and others around you.

Bob Deits writes about crying in his book, “Life After Loss: A Practical Guide to Renewing Your Life After Experiencing Major Loss.” According to Deits, “Well-meaning friends will reward you if you can keep from crying in public.” Though crying is appropriate behavior, if you don’t cry friends will tell you are strong and doing well. But Deits says not crying is inappropriate behavior and puts you at risk of physical and emotional illness.

What can you do if you start crying in public? I asked myself this question many times after the death of four loved ones in nine months. These steps worked for me and, hopefully, they will work for you.

1. Accept your tears. My daughter and father-in-law died on the same weekend. A few days after their deaths I started to cry in a discount store. Shoppers stared at me and some moved away. Thankfully, a friend saw me crying, walked up to me, and gave me a hug. Her acceptance of my tears enabled me to finish my shopping.

2. Re-direct thoughts. You are grieving because you have lost someone you loved. I sobbed for weeks and often in public. Thinking positive thoughts about my loved ones helped me to stop crying. I thought about my daughter’s accomplishments, for example, and my father-in-law’s humor.

3. Take a break. In “Life After Loss” Bob Deits writes about days that seem to be going well and suddenly turn sour. This happens to all grieving people and when it does, Deits says, “You need to go home and take a break until your regain your composure.” My breaks have included crying in my car, not going to meetings, and reading a mystery.

4. Drive carefully. Helen Fitzgerald, in her book, “The Grieving Teen: A Guide for Teenagers and Their Friends,” details the dangers of driving while grieving. Dozens of people have told her they went through red lights or crashed into cars in front of them while overcome by grief. “Don’t let this happen to you — you have enough stress in your life already,” she warns. If you are sobbing pull over as soon as possible.

5. Stop what you’re doing. Grief is an up and down journey, Grief spasms are one of the downs, according to Therese A. Rando, PhD. She defines the term in her book, “How to Go on Living when Someone You Love Dies.” A grief spasm is “an acute upsurge of grief that occurs suddenly and often when least expected,” according to Rando. Grief spasms can make you feel like you have lost control. When you have a grief spasm Rando says you should stop what you are doing and deal with your feelings.

6. Get some support. Judy Tatelbaum lists sources of help in her book, “The Courage to Grieve: Creative Living, Recovery & Growth Through Grief.” She divides support into two categories, People and Other. The people who may help you include family, friends, neighbors, collagues, your doctor, and clergy. Other sources of support include meditation, artistic pursuits, and support groups.

Crying is a normal grief response. You cry because you loved someone and that person is gone. But love, when you keep it close, may be stronger than grief.

Copyright 2008 by Harriet Hodgson http://www.harriethodgson.com

Harriet Hodgson has been a freelance nonfiction writer for 29 years. She is a member of the Association of Health Care Journalists and the Association for Death Education and Counseling. Her 24th book, “Smiling Through Your Tears: Anticipating Grief,” written with Lois Krahn, MD, is available from http://www.amazon.com

You will find a review of the book on the American Hospice Foundation Web site and the Health Ministries Association Web site. Please visit Harriet’s Web site and learn more about this busy author and grandmother.

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