Sometimes I Don’t Know How to Feel

Sometimes I don’t know how to feel.
I lost my sister and my brother on December 27, 2006. She was brutally murdered by our brother.

I definitely feel great loss for my sister, but I haven’t gotten to the anger part to our brother for taking her life.
Right now he is in prison, but I feel I’ve lost him too.
Is it normal not to be angry with my brother or in not hating him for taking her away from me?

And I feel guilty because I knew the holidays were harder on them from our mom’s passing in August 2005 and they were living in a very small apartment. I feel that I should have noticed the withdrawl changes in my brother and to top that off our sister was bipolar and didn’t like to take her meds and I didn’t realize how bad she was treating him.

I also feel extremely guilty for postponing Christmas dinner with my brother and sister to January 2nd when my daughter and granddaughter were coming home to celebrate with us. Although they my sister and brother were fine with it, but now I didn’t get the Christmas memories we could have had if we didn’t wait.

When I was 12 years old it was my first time losing someone special, my grandpa. Then it was 27 years later we lost our mom 8/2005, then my sister 12/2006, then my grandma 3/2007,and then my favorite great-aunt 7/2007. I had to do the service arrangements 3 times in 1.5 years.

With all the recent losses I just don’t know how to feel, but I miss my sister most because I saw her the night before and she was my best friend and movie going pal. Movies have been coming out on DVD that we saw together and her birthday passed in August, just 9 days after our mom’s passing date.

Am I feeling normal stuff? Will I ever be mad at my brother and will it be wrong if I forgive him? If I don’t get angry with my brother am I dishonoring my sister?
I ask because this is new for me and I am usually the type of person who holds things in and is the strong one for everyone else.
Daisy
Dear Daisy,

Dear Daisy,

We are so sorry for your tremendous It would be very hard for anyone to know how to feel after such a traumatic incident following the series of deaths you have had in your family over the past few years. Know that every person grieves in his or her own way.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve and no one way you are supposed to feel. Our guess is that now you are simply feeling numb. We strongly recommend that you get the help of a professional grief counselor to help you unravel your own feelings and deal with the guilt and anger you are experiencing. We also encourage you to contact Hospice or a church in you area and see if they have a group for the grieving. We have found that the load of grief is lighter when it is not carried alone.

We invite you to listen on Thursday mornings to the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart.  You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com  You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/  We’ve listed a couple of shows that deal with grieving after murder that may give you some comfort.

August 30, 2007
Guest: Kay Hutchison
There is No Rule Book: Finding Forgiveness After the Murder of My Husband

August 24, 2006
Guests: Patricia and Bud Kiefer
Through the Eyes of the Parents: The Murder of Our Son on September 11th, 2006

Even though the circumstances are different, we hope you will be able to find some help and solace in listening.

Our blessings,
Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley