Survival Guilt
November 29, 2007 by The Grief Blog
Filed under Blog, Dealing with Grief, Death and Dying, Death of a Sibling, Q&A
Hi,
I lost a sister 30 years ago to cancer. I am now graduate student of social work helping children in clinical setting deal with trauma, grief, and developmental delays. I am writing a paper on “survival guilt†based on the movie “Ordinary People†which is about a teen male who loses a brother to a boating accident. B/C the teen witnessed the death he feels responsible and suffers from “survival guiltâ€. Would you happen to have any past radio shows on this topic? Please let me know. This info would help myself and my paper but the children I work with will truely benefit!
Thank You for this website and the amazing work that you do! I have friends who have taken Heidi’s class at Columbia and highly recommend her work!
Rachel
Dr. Heidi’s ResponseÂ
Dear Rachel:
I’m so sorry to hear about the death of your sister to cancer. Our siblings remain forever in our hearts and in our memories. We are the people we are today because we had our siblings in our lives, even if only for a short time. I’m so glad to hear that your life’s work is helping children with trauma and grief. In response to your question, the concept of “survival guilt” is a theme that runs through many of the sibling shows we’ve done. I know that when my own brother died I struggled with survival guilt, and felt the wrong child died and that it should have been me. You might want to listen to a show we did on Sept. 14, 2006 with Craig Scott. Craig watched his friends and sister murdered in the Columbine tragedy and talks about how he worked through his anger and guilt. He has gone on to do amazing things with his life and speaks worldwide about tolerance and compassion. He is a great example of overcoming adversity and tragedy and does the work he does in his sister Rachel’s name. I’m so glad that your friends have enjoyed my classes at Columbia, I love teaching and educating others about what helps people heal after a loss.
All the best to you in your future work.
Sincerely,
~Dr. Heidi~
I lost my older sister to a car accident last June. She was 7 months pregnant with her 1st child, a baby boy. The pit of helplessness and regret is bottomless and I am falling every day. I wish I could have saved them. With the survivors guilt…my sisters and parents and I were so close that it is so strange that she is dead and we aren’t. We always did everything huge…together so to have her be somewhere that we can’t reach her all together as a family, leaves us pretty much completely shattered. We are not the strong amazing loving unit that we used to be. We are stumbling around in feigned normalcy. We can’t even fake it sometimes and I feel like I am watching my mom wither before my eyes. If that isn’t survivors guilt, I don’t know what is. I think I should have called her that morning and stalled her before she got in the car a minute later, or even just seconds later would have saved her. My dad thinks he should have told her not to drive because she was tired from working late the night before. We all think it is our fault and I know she would not have wanted that. I have another sister, but I still look at sisters together with their children and am envious. So how does all of this help? Well, I could tell you what gets me through each day…which is simply trying to do what she would want me to do. She had no patience for self pity, so even though we didn’t get to say goodbye, I think I know what she would have wanted, so I try and live it.