The Loss of a Baby at Birth
October 12, 2007 by The Grief Blog
Filed under Blog, Dealing with Grief, Death and Dying, Grieving Miscarriages and Stillborns, Q&A
Good afternoon,
My story is all too familiar. I learned of my pregnancy in August 2007. At that time, I was 6 months pregnant. I had no symptoms at all before this time. At the 6 month stage, I felt movement in my belly and went to my OB. They took a blood test and the test came back false/positive. At that point, they did a sonogram and we found out about our son. They did a 3D photo of him and I immediately bonded with him. When I told my husband, he was so excited because he had 2 daughters from a previous marriage, so this would be his first son. I went back to the OB after 2 weeks to get my check up and I heard his heartbeat and felt him move. I just could not believe how amazing this was because I did not think I could get pregnant. Two more weeks went by and I went back to the OB and at that point they could not find his heartbeat. The doctors rushed me to the nearest hospital and they still could not find a heartbeat. They admitted me the next day to induce labor. On Saturday, Septem ber 22, I delivered our son, Jayden Christian Harper. He was a beautiful boy. Before he was delivery, the hospital staff asked if we wanted him in the room with us afterwards. At first I said, no, then after some thought and I saw his face, I immediately said yes!!!! Two hours after he was born, we had him baptized. The day finally came when we had to give him back to the hospital so they could do the autopsy and that was the saddest day of our lives. At this point, we have not gotten the autopsy report and I am waiting…constantly looking out the
window for the postman. It’s only been 4 weeks since his birth/death and after talking with my husband, we are going to try again. I spoke to my OB about this and she has stated that it will be a high risk pregnancy of course, but they will monitor me and prayerfully have a successful pregnancy.
Right now, in my life, I have heard all kinds of apologies and sentiments from friends and family. Everything from, “The Lord knows best”…”You are too old to have kids anyway”…”Do you know how to take care of child”. Some of these comments could be well meaning, but some could be down right rude!!!! While I sit here for another week before going back to work, I just wish folks would call during the day just to say hi how are you and not wait until my husband comes home and want to have a 3 hour conversation.
I would really appreciate information on support groups in the Maryland area (Laurel) that deal with infant loss.
Thank you for your time
A Response From Drs. Gloria and Heidi
We are so very sorry for your loss. The hardest thing we are asked to do as parents is bury a child regardless of the length of time that child had on earth. Our radio show yesterday was with Monica Novak who talked with us about the stillborn baby. That program will be on the blog soon as both a transcript and an MP3 download so you can listen to it or read it n its entirety. We also have an article by Monica on the first page of the blog which might be helpful.Â
The Compassionate Friends have a support group in the D.C. area that is probably the closest group to you in the Maryland area. Their website is http://www.tcfdcmetro.com/ and we encourage you to see if they are a good match for you. Each member of Compassionate Friends has lost a child and understand what you are experiencing. Churches in your area as well as Hospice may have information about other groups that are available to you. It is important that you have someone to share with and lean on during this time of grieving. We have found that the load of grief is lighter when it is not carried alone.Â
We know that well-meaning friends often say things that are hurtful and they stay away simply because they don’t know what to say. In most cases it’s all right to tell close friends what you need and what you need to talk about or if you just need to listen. Know that we each grieve in our own way and our own time and it’s o.k. to let them know your needs.
We invite you to listen on Thursday mornings to the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/
We will post your letter on the blog because we believe it will help others who have also experienced. You might check back every now and then because we have such loving compassionate people coming to our blog that very often they reach out to each other by sending comments.
Blessings,
Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley
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I know what these people are going through.
I discovered I was pregnant in June 2007. It was a surprise, but I had fully accepted this beautiful little life that was to bless our home. The baby was due February 17, 2008. Everything was fine until I got to the fifth month, (20th week) Oct. 2007. I noticed a lack of movement, but I didn’t think anything of it, because the baby did that from time to time. I woke up one morning (Oct. 3), and realized I hadn’t felt any real movement in a while. I was worried, but I had an appointment for an ultrasound later that morning, and I figured everything would be fine. It wasn’t. My body tensed, and my heart dropped the instant I saw my beautiful baby on the ultrasound screen, and I couldn’t see the familiar flutter of the heart beat. I remember asking, “Where’s the heart?” The OB looked for a second, and tried to get the baby to move, but after about a minute, said, “I am so sorry.” I couldn’t say anything, but, “Oh, God.” I asked if she could tell what it was, and she said it looked like a girl. I wanted to know. She told me she would get a nurse and try again. I went to the bathroom, and went back to the room. While I waited, I looked at the clock on the ultrasound screen. It was almost 11am, Wed., Oct. 3, 2007. I expected to have a normal ultrasound, and to find out what the sex was, but instead I received horrible news. The OB and nurse entered the room about a minute later. The OB tried again. Still nothing. Life as I knew it had changed forever. I felt guilt, as most women do. I cried on the nurse’s shoulder, as I was alone at the appointment. We went to another room where I could call my family. I had to get out of that room. I called my husband, no answer. I called my Mom, who was preparing to leave for a trip to New York with my father.
I went to see my regular OB, and we discussed options. She told me she was sorry. I went home and cried my eyes out, and my parents arrived home not much later, they had postponed their trip.
I went into the hospital the next morning, (Oct. 4) and had induced labor, and twelve hours later (1:01am Oct. 5) our daughter Grace was born, perfectly formed, yet stillborn. The doctor asked if I wanted to hold her. I said I did. There was no way I wasn’t going to hold her. My husband was able to hold her. We took pictures, and the hospital took a few pictures of her for us. We were able to spend some time with her before we had to let her go.
This is the hardest thing my husband and I have ever had to deal with, and we know what these people are going through. It’s comforting to know we’re not alone.
Hello,
I’m very sorry about the loss of your son Jayden. In addition to The Compassionate Friends, there is a Share pregnancy and infant loss support group in Kensington, MD. If that’s too far, you can also join an online support group or post on the message boards at the Share website: http://www.nationalshareoffice.com
Share has been providing support for 30 years, and has wonderful people and resources to help you through this very difficult time. I wish you peace and comfort,
Monica Novak
In response to the loss of a baby at birth and Michelle.
I’m so sorry for both of your losses. I totally relate to the experience that so few people understand what we’re going through. I really encourage you to go to a support group. It has been helpful for me - a chance to talk and cry and show pictures… I too had a baby who was stillborn - on January 3rd at 39 and a half weeks. His name was Ben and he was beautiful - he looked just like his four-year old sister when she was a baby. I was in labour, five centimentres dilated, when the ultrasound monitor showed no heartbeat. My partner started sobbing immediately. I initially comforted him. I was in shock, numb, focused on my contraction pain. When Ben was born we held him and cried and took pictures. It was lovely but sad. Now I am devestated, angry, sad, jealous, bitter, guilty, depressed - the whole gamut of emotions of grief. I’m trying to feel the feelings as much as I can and let them run through me like a river. I am also racking my brain trying to come up with a story to wrap around this experience that makes sense for me. The angel watching over me story isn’t working for me (I wish it were); the “there is a reason for this to happen, and that reason will unfold in time, or maybe we’ll never know but God has a plan” doesn’t feel right; imagining that Ben only needed the womb experience just leaves me wondering why? Then there is the bad kharma explanation/the law of attraction/the you get what you deserve philosophy which is the underlying belief behind some of the hurtful comments you mention (usually made by people who have yet to experience a major loss). For me, there is no answer so far to the question of why and there may never be. Maybe the only story is that nature is neutral - neither punishing nor rewarding. It’s scary to think that things just happen through natural laws and combinations of circumstances, and there’s no other explanation for it - no inherent meaning in it. I’ve read that the meaning is what we do with the loss, how we live our lives in response to the loss, how we change, grow, evolve - do we ultimately stay in our grief, our bitterness, our despair or do we somehow transform these feelings into heightened compassion and love for others. I’m still not sure what to tell myself, how to find a bit of comfort and meaning. Maybe I’ll get some answers as to how this happened when we get the autopsy results, but even if they find a cause (which they often don’t), that still doesn’t answer the question why?
Much love to you both on your challenging journey ahead.
Mary in Toronto
My niece, suzanne, gave birth Monday, May 12, 2008 to a 6′8″ little boy. The baby was still born. Her pregnancy was fine and she had been to the doctor the previous friday. Baby’s heart beat was strong and she discussed inducing labor with her doctor. They scheduled it for Saturday, May 17th. On Sunday she started to feel not so well and put a call into her doctor. She was given an appt. for the next morning. During her visit they were not able to hear a heartbeat so they did an ultrasound and discovered there was no longer any life in the baby. They sent her directly to the hospital and induced her labor. She has a 5 year old son who was born thru c-section so she had not yet experienced giving birth vaginally. She later told me it was the hardest thing she ever did. They also were able to hold the baby and the nurses took numerous photos with the baby and various family members. She was given a small teddy bear that was dressed in the clothes the baby wore. She also has a darling keepsake box that holds the baby’s footprints, a handprint and a lock of his hair. That is what she will take home with her when she leaves the hospital today. They are in the process of planning a service for the baby. I have experienced many losses in my lifetime starting with my dad when I was 5 yrs. old. I lost a younger brother to suicide and several other losses along life’s way. But I have never felt such a sadness as I feel now. To see my niece go from expecting to bring home a baby boy next week to planning his burial in a matter of hours is indescribable. I sat with her yesterday for a time and just held her hand and cried with her. She looks so much in disbelief. My heart aches for her and I want to help her. I am very close with her as her own mother is an alchoholic and can provide no real support. My brother, her dad, is there for her but he too is at a loss. The normal order of life has been switched around and we have no precedent for this situation. I am loking for knowledge on how to help my niece get thru this. If there is information available in the Cincinnati, Ohio area to teach me how to help her please tell me. I am a christian and believe in God’s eternal plan but I need help with this one. Thank You, Aunt Katherine