The Presence of His Absence is Everywhere
May 24, 2008 by The Grief Blog
Filed under Blog, Dealing with Grief, Death of a Child, Q&A
I want you to try to imagine the worst thing in the world, that your beloved child died.. let me explain to you the reality…try to imagine, if you can, never seeing your child again, never hearing her laugh, never hearing the sound of their voice, never smelling the scent you have come to recognize as your child.. never hearing them say “I love you”…nothing - just silence, emptiness.. now imagine never seeing your child’s smile, never seeing her upset or happy, never watching her sleep…missing them so much that you are twisted up inside and the pain stays with you 24/7, you smell their pillow, their clothes, you look at her pictures and can only cry - what happened, why!?.. you have never felt longing like this in your life! longing to hear her voice, to see her face again,…and to know deep in your soul you cannot fix it. now imagine every single thing that used to give you joy and pleasure turns into hurt and despair overnight. not a gradual thing, but going from pleasure to hurt, from happiness to sadness, from peace to no peace, changing overnight. every thing you loved now hurts like hell…
For example: music, i used to love music, it gave me pleasure, i did’t realize how much music was a part of my life and how it is everywhere, now I cannot listen to it, it sears me like a red hot knife with the pain of losing my child, it cuts me wide open.. like the old song, the day the music died, that’s me, and believe it or not, almost every song reminds me of the void in my life without my child, i am not unique in that pain - if you lost a child you would know. .that is just one little example of how your life is affected by the loss of your child. Just ONE example! you feel the loss with every thought, every emotion, The loss bleeds into every aspect of your life. even with your other children, you still love your other children just as much as always, but as hard as it is, even they hurt yo u now, because when you see them you feel the LOSS, the loss of the child that died not being with their siblings. it doesn’t fit, there is a piece missing, your whole life doesn’t fit anymore. everything that felt right, now feels wrong. and of course there is always the missing, the horrible gut wrenching, out of your control missing…
As good parents we were always able to fix things or make things better for our children.. this we cannot fix, cannot make it better. so on top of everything else you are feeling, you also feel helpless..out of control and hopeless…and this is universal, every parent that truly loves their child will feel this. are you starting to imagine now how it feels? and you are doing this exercise for 10 minutes, imagine, really imagine, feeling this way 24/7 - day after day, month after month, and no matter what you are doing or who you are talking to, a tape of your child plays over and over in your mind. your child when she was a baby, a laughing happy little girl, a cute young teen, a wonderful young man or women and it always plays in your head and you do not want to forget even a single second of your beautiful child’s life…but that is a fear you have, that as time passes you will start to forget…so now, please add FEAR to the list of emotions. this is what it really feels like. a part of you has died, don’t just read the words, FEEL them - died, gone forever… a real, beautiful, living part of you has died… and you are still living, left behind to try to pick up the pieces of your shattered life and not having a clue where to even begin. No wonder a high percentage of marriages break up, parents have breakdowns, turn to alcohol, drugs or a destructive way of life. NO WONDER!!!!!
A part of you does not exist anymore and it is scary as hell.. that is why they say the loss of a child is like no other loss.. you cannot compare it to another loss, with other losses you grieve and you are of course sad, but when your child dies, a part of you ceases to exist, gone just like that, gone no warning, just gone. And the life that you knew, the things you always felt, the things in your life that made sense, that you held on to, that makes up who you are - are Gone!!!That is why when parents who have lost children hear “I want the old you back”, “it’s been a year (a month, 6 month-whatever), don’t you feel better yet?” “You are doing this to yourself, you’re making it harder on yourself”, “grief can become a selfish thing you know”, we can only shake our heads and feel sadness and hopelessness, because there is no way our lives will ever be like it was when our child was alive. No wonder bereaved parents isolate themselves, we are just trying to hold on. So were you able to imagine for 10 minutes what it must feel like? even 2 minutes is too long to imagine the unimaginable, to feel the pain, i would not wish it any anyone, but did you get a sense of how l ife-changing it is?
Imagine you feel this 24/7, not even getting a moments relief from it! now go on and put on your favorite CD to listen to, enjoy the music..go home and hug your child, listen to them laugh, watch her smile, smell the scent that you know is them and please do not tell me how I should feel or that i am holding onto this, or that my friends/family must be tired of watching me go through this, because if you haven’t lost a beloved child of yours, you haven’t got a clue. Now when you hear these words “the presence of his absence is everywhere”, will you finally understand?
written by Louise and Diana
I lost my son 41/2 yr ago in an auto accident . He was 25, I still miss him so much. It is an actual physical ache so much of the time. You hit a spot with me, the part about letting go & maybe forgetting, that is my biggedt fear that I may forget a detail about him &his life. Gut wrenching pain I’ve never known like this. I’m so sorry for your loss as well. I wish for you a moment of peace. Please take care.
I evidently made a typo previously, it has been 3 1/2 yr. since Chris went away. I’m still crying all the time, I need to stop atleast long enough to read my text I guess.
Thank you for posting this. You have described so well what I have also been feeling since my 18 year old daughter died in April of 2006. I have come to the conclusion that no one except other grieving parents can understand. Other people can’t or don’t want to wrap their minds around the HORROR of having a child die. It not only robs you of your future but it poisons your present. The things you used to do with your child haunt you. The foods you used to enjoy with your child no longer taste good. Books that used to be fun to read now hold no interest. Your dreams for the future are crushed. I have found Compassionate Friends meetings to be of some help but they are only held once a month. My initial reaction after my daughter died was that my life was ruined. Well-meaning friends and acquaintences would do their best to talk me out of that feeling. I received a lot of “pep talks” about what I had left in life. I have tried to make “life affirming” decisions to cope with the grief. I walked often, I went to a counselor, I answered the phone if it rang, I forced myself to make plans to see friends even though I did not feel like it, I tried to eat healthily, I collected bird feathers (her “sign” was a bluejay), and I ate chocolate whenever I wanted it. Six months passed and I could sense an ebbing in the compassion of people in my world. One year passed and the empathy and compassion ebbed even more. Now at two years my sense is that almost everyone wants me to be “back to normal.” I find myself feeling irritated at this and at them. I definitely feel like isolating myself. I still feel very needy but the well in my community and family is dry. Everyone was very nice at the beginning but now they are - understandably - back to their own lives and their own problems. Grief for a child makes you a leper. People look into your eyes and think about their own child dying. They are afraid at some primal level that it is catching. Does anyone out there know any grieving parent who has successfully built a new life containing peace and joy? I am beginning to lose hope that this is possible. I am really tired of trying to “look on the bright side” when there doesn’t seem to be one. The only time I feel OK is when I go on a trip but I can’t do that 24/7/365. Any words of wisdom from anyone? Thanks.
Louise and Diana,
I read your blog and was really moved by it. I lost my 26 year old son in August 2005 and your post has articulated all the emotions I went through and emotions that I am going through now. Thank you.
Loraine
I wrote this with a sister in grief because after only 6 months we were both told by friends to get over it!!!! My daughter was 23 and my friends son was 22 and we were told to get over it after 6 months.
Love,Louise
http://www.mychildlossgrief.org/
That was beautiful. I couldnt have wrote it better myself. I think Im gonna cut and paste it on my blog because its soooo um understanddable to the un-understanding people…. I miss my son now just as much as I did the night we lost him 1-12-07. Even now, nothing is the same… and it never will be, but I try sooo hard to be happy… Its an outter shell, kinda candy coated feeling… All fake and sugary when the real inside is a melted emotional wreck. I just want my old life back with Jake and my family… I want to be “normal” again… I miss him,,,
We lost our son Jeff 5 months ago. He was 16. The lost of child is the worst grief a parent have to bear. No one can possibly know what the parent who lost their child have gone through or continue to go through….this is an unimaginable tragedy.
Thank you Louise and Diana. You fully decribe how we feel.
ellen,
you explained that in a way that i couldnt articulate. I lost my only child, to a car accident on may 20,2003…and buried her memorial weekend. So this week has been tough to say the least, plus this month she would have graduated high school. It is five years now, and doesnt seem like even two years have passed. Time doesnt heal, i think it just gives us time to find different ways to adapt to the every changing processes of this greif. And it is sooooooooo tiring. I just get worn out sometimes. Its not depressions, it is just greif. Feeling so sad this week, and I was so prepared to have this year go by better, but out of the blue, it changes…in an instant. This grief being my new companion. Ive read everything humanely possible that you can read, educated myslef, and go to counseling when i think i need it, but gets to a point where i can only take so much counseling then i cant talk about it anymore. again, so tiring. And it is funny how people are…I think it is that they want us to get over it or not mention it, or say anything about it…because its too hard for them, and they can not comprehend it. I feel left feeling like an alian at times, like I am not even part of this planet. But, deal with it the best I know how, and try to keep in mind i know she is still with me,and what she would want for my life now…and that reminder everyday helps me get through. She was my one and only, and my love for her is like nothing else. I miss you her and long for her so much. A feeling of being homesick but intesified in a way that you can not explain. And nobody else that hasnt been through it, can really understand it. Trying to trust in a higher power to make every day a little better, and to do something that makes a difference that can be positive helps. Just to smile or really laugh once a day, I feel like i have accomplished something good for that day. Just sucks so bad, to put it very frankly.
Jennifer
Lost of child is the biggest punishment to the parent. You won’t know why God made us to carry this sadness forever until we die. Life is unfair, it is painful to see us who has a whole life ahead not having a chance to fulfill it and reach a simple goal and ambition as well as just being able to live a full life with our children. We are all good parents…do everything we could…to love our children…but they were gone too soon and was out of our control, we feel helpless…All you have is your tears to greet the arrival of impermanence.
May be our child is the little angel. They probably finished their homework in here and returned to heaven. Life is about loving and suffering. We glad that our child only had love without suffering. Therefore, we are carrying the suffering part of the life for them until we meet in heaven.
I am so sorry for your losses.We are truly sister’s in grief.
Please visit my child loss grief site for more support.
Love to you all.Louise
http://www.mychildlossgrief.org/
Louise, You will never get over it. It is with you every moment of everyday. My son died in december of 2006, I stil feel like I am living someone else’s life. This is not the way I want to feel for the rest of my life. I don’t cry all the time anymore, but I just go day to day without joy in my life. People think because you are not crying, you have moved on. If they would just look at me, they would know I am not me anymore. I look at pictures of over a year ago. I have lost over 30 pounds and look 10 years older. But I would not trade a moment of the life I had with him.
That was beautiful and so insightful. I lost my 19 year old son Davin in an auto accident 3/28/08. It will be 2 months tomorrow (also my birthday). I miss him so much. These last 2 months have gone both fast and so slow. Time is so out of wack. I can’t imagine living like this for years, maybe decades. I have a 6 year old daughter who has just started to finally realize her brother is not coming back. She cries a lot now which just devastates me but it also wears me out. I have so little energy. I just sit and cry for hours. I dread going back to work but I will have to soon as my time will run out. I have supportive friends but I too know they are slowly returning to their “old” lives while my family struggles to stay afloat in our “new” life.
Louise and Diana…You describe losing a child…to a T….Everything you described is exactly what a grieving parent lives 24/7. I lost my beautiful 19 year old son on July 1, 2007 and it still feels like yesterday…I miss him so very much..thank you for knowing and sharing what we too are feeling…Mary
Louise & Diana, If words could describe this horrible experience, then your words were as accurate as they come. I lost my younger son, Tim 6/13/02 in a car accident & my older son, Adam on 11/29/04 due to complications from a car accident. I cannot imagine the purpose of this life & truly don’t know how to proceed with any hope, joy or purpose. I do the “have-to” things, like working, cooking, cleaning but there are so few things that give me any pleasure at all. I feel like an alien at work, in social situations, etc. & wish I never had to leave my house. I know my feelings are wrong, I just don’t know how to quit feeling them. Thank you for expressing your pain in such a way that so many can relate.
I lost my 2 year old son last week. He drown in our pool. I know all too well what everyone here is going through because my wound is still open and fresh. I am still going through the not sleeping at night because everytime that I close my eyes, all that I can see is his face and him at the hospital and him at the funeral home and running around the house playing. It is almost like commercials playing in my head. I love my child more than life itself and he knows that. I say that as if he were still here because I know that he is. He has already showed up here at our house so many times. As far as “getting through this”, I know that is never going to happen for the rest of our lives, but I do know that we have to go on for our other children. We are reaching out to other parents who have also lost children and already that has made a big difference in the beginning of our healing process. I feel that spirituality has ALOT to do with how you heal as well and for right now I am spiritually at peace with what has just happened. I say that now but I am sure that I am going to have my breakdowns for the rest of my life over this but I know that he is with me and I am going to be with him again on the other side one sweet day.
Kathy I am so sorry for your losses. It is so hard to function after losing my son, Davin. I cannot imagine the trauma and pain of losing another. You are a brave person. My heart is with you, especially as you approach the anniversary of Tim’s passing.
Jennifer I am so sorry for your recent loss. I am happy to hear you are spiritually at peace. I have a hard time with the death of my son. I question the reason, the timing, and need constant reassurance my son is in Heaven. I guess it comes from always knowing where he was at before and now the doubt has set in. I know he was saved but as a mother, I just need his assurance that he is happier where he is at but that doesn’t come. I am happy to hear that your son is still around you. My son has given me several signs since his passing 10 weeks and 4 days ago, especially right after. These give me comfort for awhile and then the selfish side of me comes out and demands more from him. I too look forward to reuniting with my son. I used to be fearful of dying but now I am just counting the days until I see Davin again.
I invite everyone to visit my child loss blog I made at
http://childlossmclg.blogspot.com/
Hello all, and thank your for sharing your stories. As it was mentioned above, a death is a death and it doesn’t matter how it happened, it still SUCKS. I lost my precious 8 month old 3/24/07 after taking her off life support. She sustained severe head truama (skull fractured in 3 places and internal truauma to her trunk) by my then boyfriend. It just hurts so bad everyday all day, and have been told several time that I should be over it. My daughter was murdered and I will forever have mother’s guilt for intrusting that monster for 30 min. No one can comfort me, no one but ppl who have been through this knows. I’m trying not to make this an excuse for my depression, but its true. Its hard to go anywhere with out seeing babies, and I hate it. Id rather move to a state where everyone is 21 or older. I’m a pediatric nurse, my dad’s a brain rehab specailist, and we both couldnt do anything for her. I feel I’m a complete failure. I failed Emmy in protecting her. Guilt guilt guilt and horrific sorrow is all thats in my heart.
I refuse to part with anything of hers, I cry and sit in her box of clothes, play with her toys, suck on her passafiers, anything to feel her again. Am I crazy??? If I am, at the moment I dont care. If she didnt die they way she did, would I feel better by now? The scabs of her death were re opened several times because of a highly publicized trial, now that the trial is over, I still dont have any justice and any sort of closure at all. ( he only got 14 yrs, I wish Maine had the death penalty) I dont go anywhere that I had taken my 3 girls before, I can’t do it, and that includes places like Wal-mart or the mall. Never mind going to the beach where she was 1 week old and us 4 girls had a great time.
I welcome death anytime, but think of how much it was devistate my girls who are 13 and 10, and my parents. But I welcome a car crash or anything at anytime. See I am crazy. I just can’t wait to see Emmy-Leigh Maryrose again. Just 8 months old. She will be 2 July 7th.
Hi Libby and all grieving parents
As we said in the previous comment, may be our child is a little angel from heaven. They probably finished their homework earlier in here and had to return to heaven. Life is about loving and suffering. We are glad that our child only had love without suffering.
Here is a song for everyone who loss their child:
Tears in heaven:
Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don’t belong
Here in heaven
Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven
I’ll find my way, through night and day
Cause I know I just can’t stay
Here in heaven
Time can bring you down
Time can bend your knee
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please
Begging please
Beyond the door
There’s peace I’m sure.
And I know there’ll be no more…
Tears in heaven
Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don’t belong
Here in heaven
Cause I know I don’t belong
Here in heaven
Thank you all so much for your comments on what i wrote.
I am so sorry for all your losses.As we all know how bad the pain is.God Bless each and everyone of you.For more info please visit my blog at
http://childlossmclg.blogspot.com/
Thankyou
Louise Lagerman
I just lost my daughter on April 11, 2008 and your words are exactly how I feel. Thanks for sharing!
it’s been a month and a day. My Son was 16 and died…natural causes, no reason, no explanation, in his sleep.He was my only child. I feel like i can’t breathe most of the time. I have a hard time looking at pictures of him, because when i do, i want to die. Sleep is a thing of the past, and so is eating…food is just not appealing to me…i eat to remain alive. Every morning i want to wake up out of this living nightmare. I’m lonely, i’m tired, i’m disgusted with life, and i’m tired of people telling me i will have to learn to live with this pain. I thought my faith was stronger, but it isn’t…i don’t understand why this happened. The night before he died, we spent the entired day together. i had just got home from being deployed for a month.He was so excited i was coming home finally. we had the perfect day…we ate, sat and talked about his future goals, he hugged me so tight, and said “i love you” all day and night long. we stayed up late and went out to IHOP for a late dinner, it was 12:34am. after we got home we talked on the porched and laughed until our stomaches hurt. he asked me to sing him his favorite song “more than words” by extreme, a song i used to sing to him to rock him to sleep as a baby…and i did. i held him and sang it to him.After we came inside, he asked if he could hang out in my room that night…so i said “OF COURSE…bring your pillow” we watched TV and hugged, then i rubbed his back until he fell asleep. before i kissed his forhead goodnight and went downstairs to the couch, we exchanged smiles, and said ‘i love you’ to one another…when i went to get him up for work later on that morning he was gone…this is when my life ended. he was my every reason for living…he was my reason for existing, and now life is just a big fog…a blur. i think i am very blessed to have had that one day with him, but i want more…i wanted more time…i miss him so much, and this pain is excruciating. No amount of counseling, or talking helps. I don’t do anti-depressants, so i’m facing this head on. I hate watching other people with their kids…i can’t watch TV because its something we did together. I no longer listen to the radio, music reminds me to much of him..he used to sing in the car when we rode together. i miss his smell, and his smile. I can’t look in the mirror because we looked so much alike. is this what life is going to be ike from now on? I don’t understand. i don’t look for signs from him. He was a born again christian so i know where he is;his spirit in Heaven and his soul is resting, but that is not comforting enough for me. I can’t go to his grave site because it hurts to much. I just want to go back in time and hold him, and kiss his face, smell his scent…i just want to get through the days. I pray every night for the second coming, so i could be close to him, because i know that is where i will see him again…i feel cheated. Everyday is a living nightmare and i’m empty…but alive. I know God has a plan, i wish i knew what it was.
I have been sitting her tonight trying to find out how to go on living with out my son. He died on Fathers day in accident and feel so empty in side. I could not have but how I am feeling any better then you did.
Hi Isabel
We had a similar heart-breaking experience. Our Son Jeffrey passed away 6 months ago. He was 16.
He also had a strong relationship with his Mom similar to you and your son. we know but nobody can possibly know what we have gone through or continue to go through….this impermanence happened in our life. We fully experienced what exactly is Impermanence and it is a fact of life. It would be impossible to know that the depth of it, unless you yourself have been there. We finally find some peace in mind after leaning the Buddha’s teaching about the Dependent Origination which will help us to overcome the grieving period and hope you and your family accept this undesirable fact and devout our love to the others.
May be our child in fact all is not our child; we eager to have our children in life. They are rely on you to come, is not actually comes for us. They may have their own mission. Anything that could retain? You can retain them physical? Or thinking? Or soul? What are the things we can retain? One day, we must deliver all out.
Hope you have peace in mind and wisdom
Sorry Jim for your loss.
Bless everyone and we will see our children soon in heaven
My heart breaks for all of us. I lost my only child July 22, 2006. She never was supposed to have been born..but she made it! Isabel, I know exactly how you feel. I wish I could offer you words of hope. I can just say that the pain, I believe, will always be there. But we change, we adapt, we learn to live with the pain. Sending you gentle hugs…holding you tight. You wrote this letter on my birthday..no coincidence I am sure. I wish things were “otherwise” but they are not. Lana
I lost my only child 26 yrs. old in March 2008. I still think of him every day, all day long. I am on meds and see s shrink, but nothing makes me feel better. My loss is so deep and hurts, my sadness is constant. My future without him is empty. How can I ever get over or on with life. It seems as if I will never run out of tears. I see his sleeping beautiful face, laying on a table at the morgue all the time. DJ… I miss you so much, I will love you forever and a day. Mom
All of these post describe so well the pain. It has been 4 weeks now and I am realizing that the pain will never end, it is chronic..
It helps to know that others feel this way.
I want to thank all of you for your stories!! Sometimes it is nice to know that you aren’t the only one with these feelings. My son died February 24, 2008, almost 5 months later and it still feels like it was yesterday. I miss him so much my whole body hurts. I had Derrick when I was 18 years old and I also have a daughter (Brittany) who is now 18. I feel like maybe I’m cheating Brittany out of something because I am grieving so hard for Derrick. My kids are everything to me. I can’t listen to music anymore because we would ride in the car, windows down, music full blast having the time of our lives. We would tell each other secrets and things we wouldn’t dare tell others because we would be afraid to look stupid. I have no interest in anything at all anymore, I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to work, I don’t want people talking to me about what their kids have done or are doing. Maybe that sounds a little selfish but thats the way I feel. I can still smell him and see that gorgeous face and blonde hair and hear him laugh. I miss him so much!!! I don’t know what to do with myself.
Dear Tara, I completly understand how you feel. It is almost 4 months after my only son has passed. I also got fired from my job, dad had a heart attact. I feel so empty that I don’t want anyone around but my husband. It seems as if no one can understand or grasp how I am feeling. I hope you are getting some medical help. I do belicve this has helped me a bit. Try to get out, don’t stay at home every day. Make sure your eatting right. Make sure you are talking to someone. Let your family in on your pain. Read about grief. Visit a church, just sit there if nothing else. Write in a journat. I wrote letters to my DJ, I found that I could tell him how I felt. All of these little things can add up to a tiny bit of relief. I do know how your heart hurts, I cry every day. I also hug and talk to DJ’s urn. Crazy as it seems, it’s what I have left. I’m sorry for you Tara, hang in there. Tll
I lost my only child, Michael, on May 14,2007(mothers day) in a horrific car accident………..I wrote this the next day………..it’s been one year and 2 months and 18 days and I still feel exactly like this every single day…………
“Lost”
I open my eyes in the morning………I am lost
I look in the mirror to fix my hair……I am lost
I wander thru the day…………………I am lost
I lie down at night…………………….I am lost
In my deepest sleep……………………I am lost
My life after May 14th 2007…………..I am lost
Will I ever find my way back?………..I am lost
My heart is gone………………………I am lost
My eyes see the world…………………I am lost
I breath…………………………………I am lost
My life before this is gone, was it a dream,
Or a story in a book?
Will I have a life after this?
Does it matter?
Everthing seems so trivial….seeing, hearing, living, breathing……
I was Michael, and Michael was me……
We were connected by a power not known in this world……
Now I am powerless, blind, deaf, dumb……..
And lost……………….
Hi Jill,
We have the same feeing as you. We lost our son last December and we were pretty much gone with our son spritually. I guess we have no choice to accept this fact. We have to continue our journey of life with emptiness and painful without our child with us physically. We are hoping to see our soon in heaven when we finish our journey of life. I think this is our only hope.
Wish you peace and wisdom.
Philip and Winky
Thank you Philip and Winky for your comforting words. I feel like this second year has been a million times harder than the first and I’m not sure why. I think it may be because I had so many legal things to take care of and those things probably took up a lot of my thinking. Mike had a house, a car, a motorcycle, bills that needed to be taken care of. We had to put a kitchen in Mike’s house. He had just demolished it a few months before the accident. Mike’s best friend moved in in May. I think that maybe having to let go of the house is another loss I have to deal with. As hard as it was for us to go there to complete the work, now it seems just as hard not having to go there every weekend. Somehow I don’t see things really getting any better. And the one thing I’m really tired of, is having to put on this facade for my co-workers, friends(most of who have abandoned us), family(also most of who have abandoned us). Charlie and I have basically become hermits, other than going to work……………I don’t know. We have decided that we really do not know who we are anymore.
Jill and Charlie
Hi Jill,
No one can possibly know what you have gone through this or continue to go through….this no matter how long it will take. We have a similar feeling as we actually went through this. There are many many “don’t know” what to do and at the end there are absolute no answer regardless who want to help you but still no solution. We don’t see any hope in future as we know our child will never come back regardless how hard you want to drive. We have no choice but have to continue to breath beacuse we don’t want to hurt our love ones anymore if we choice to leave them. We are looking foward at the end of our life to meet our child somewhere again i.e. Beautiful world, heaven whatever place we don’t care.
Here is some base life guideline for us:-
1. Free your heart from hate
2. Free your mind from worry
3. Live very very simply
4. Give more if you could
5. Expect less or none
IF there is something you choice to do will make you less painful everyday, go ahead to do it. Otherwise, don’t do it.
Wish you peace and wisdom.
Philip and Winky
hi,i just wanted to say ive never lost a child,my mother has and i see what she goes threw it has been 4 yrs since my brother passed he was 15,and ever since,i am petrified of something happening to one of my children,your message is exactly how i feel when i think about it happening,i dont think i could survive losing one of my kids,i dont think i would be able to breath,there would just not be any air…thank you for letting me share this with you,and i will pray for you and your family….
Louise & Diana, after reading this I feel like you & I are the same person. Every emotion you mentioned is also mine. I can only add “devistation,total devistation.”
I lost my Joey in a car accident on 3-16-08, he’s 28…My husband and I just wander aimlessly day to day….We’re lost!
My son died on 8th June 2008 and this is how I feel:
I hate the fact that he killed himself
I hate the fact that it was just a stupid mistake
I hate the fact that I wont see him again
I hate the fact that I want to be dead
I hate the fact that my life is ruined
I hate what it has done to Richard
I hate that he has left Rosy without a brother
I hate that he did not think of us
I hate that he did not think it through
I hate that we did not have the chance to explain how it would be
I hate that he could not see the consequences
I hate that he would be so mad if he knew he was dead
I hate that I can’t pass the blame
I hate that I did not know how he was feeling
I hate that nobody can do anything to help us
I hate hating all the time
I hate that it takes so long
I hate that life rolls on
I hate that everyone still lives their lives
I hate what he did
I hate the way he did it
I hate that we never said goodbye
I hate that I have lost my son
I hate that I have lost such a special son
I hate that I cry all the time
I hate that all my dreams are gone
I hate that my future is bleak
I hate that he will never drive
I hate that I will never see him grow up
I hate that he will never have fun
I hate that he will never have kids
I hate that he is gone
I hate that I will never see what he would have done
I hate that I shouted at him
I hate that I nagged him
I hate that I may be to blame
I hate that I don’t know where he is
I hate that I don’t know what happens when we die
I hate that nobody knows what happens when we die
I hate that me and Richard will have to suffer the most
I hate that his friends will get on with their lives
I hate that I am so weak
I hate that I am alive
I hate that I hate the world
I hate that I find no peace
I hate that I never knew how he felt about girls
I hate that I was such a failure
I hate that our happy lives will never be like that again
I hate the fact that there’s no easy way to kill myself
I hate my weakness for not killing myself
I hate the fact that Rosy does not understand
I hate looking to the future
I hate the fear of the pain ahead
I hate my jealousy for people whose kids aren’t dead
I hate feeling like this
I hate knowing I have to do this all myself
I hate that help does not come to me
I hate having to eat
I hate that I don’t enjoy anything any more
I hate that I feel so violent these days
I hate what he did
I hate the way he did it
I hate the way I see him dead so clearly
I hate what it did to his body
I hate that Richard had to find him like that
I hate that we did not know
I hate my naivety about life and death
I hate that I did not appreciate him more
I hate that it is such a huge loss
I hate that I am too old to have more children for Richard
I hate that the best part of my life is over
I hate the sadness
I hate there are no words to express the grief
I hate thinking of what he will miss
I hate my weakness of not being able to bear the agony
I hate that people don’t know how brilliant he was
I hate that people don’t realise my loss
I hate being different
I hate the way my mind works
I hate the fact that I must forgive
I hate what he did
I hate that I could not have done anything
I hate going over and over it in my mind
I hate being so sad all the time
I hate that my moments of strength are followed by crushing sadness and despair
I hate the hopelessness of it
I hate the futility of it
I hate the unfairness of it
I hate that it could so easily have been avoided
I hate the waste of a precious life
I hate that I have to deal with all this
I hate that I could not see it coming
I hate that I might not kill myself
I hate that I won’t have the guts
I hate that I am weaker than my son
I hate that I don’t understand
I hate that nobody can explain it
I hate that we don’t know the truth
I hate that the inquest man is so cruel
I hate that the press can be allowed to be so cruel
I hate that we allow it all to happen
I hate that life goes on
I hate that life does not work
I hate that I hate everyone
I hate being full of hate
I hate being all about death
I hate what he did
I hate that I did not protect him
I hate that I was so crap
I hate that I was asleep
I hate that this is so difficult
I hate what it has done to our happy family
I hate that my memories are spoilt
I hate that my future is spoilt
I hate that it could have been so easy to do
I hate that I did not realise he could do it
I hate that we have to deal with all his things left behind
I hate the way they mock us every day
I hate that his body is not here
I hate that the loss is so enormous
I hate that I have to endure it
I hate that I can’t go back
I hate not getting a second chance
I hate the grieving process
I hate not being able to watch tv
I hate that my love was pointless
I hate that I am such a fool
I hate myself
I hate hating myself
I hate not being able to see the point
I hate that those girls did not phone me up
I hate that Jason did not phone me up
I hate that it was all so pointless
I hate that I feel obliged to carry on
I hate that my family can’t help
I hate that my friends can’t help
I hate being pitied
I hate that Richard’s lost his son
I hate that we are not good enough
I hate that we could have helped him
I hate that we’re just left
I hate that he had to do it
I hate that he did it
I hate the time he did it
I hate the pain he did it
I hate he was on his own
I hate I could not protect him
I hate I am such a failure
I hate the futility of my life now
I hate that I wish everyone else was dead
I hate the fact that the world does not end
I hate the unfairness
I hate the violence of it
I hate the shock of it
I hate the futility of it
I hate the changes I have to make
I hate everything about it
I hate that nobody understands
I hate that they say they can’t imagine how I feel
I hate that I would not have been able to imagine
I hate that I did not think about it before
I hate that I was asleep for a week
I hate that we are victims
I hate that we are survivors
I hate that we are sad people
I hate being a sad person
I hate having to wake up every day
I hate having to face another day
I hate the dullness
I hate the limit to his life
I hate it is the end to all his comments
I hate that he will never make me laugh a fresh
I hate what he took away from me
I hate that he died too young
I hate that he died before me
I hate that I don’t know how to think any more
I hate that the obligation to stay alive is too huge
I hate that we have to make such efforts
I hate that people can’t do more to help
I hate that it’s all up to us
I hate that I find it so difficult
I hate that I hate life now
I hate what he did
I hate that hate is not an adequate word
I hate that I could have helped him and stopped it and now nobody can help us
Dear Louise and Diana
Many thanks for describing how it feels. So many people say they can’t imagine what I am going through and I want them to know. I can direct them to your words. I lost my 14 year old son in June. I want to die but I have a daughter so am obliged to exist. I don’t know how I am going to do it. I just take it 5 minutes at a time. I can’t connect with the world outside my house. My grief takes up my whole being and I don’t know where to put myself. It is sad but comforting to read other people are out there feeling the same. i wish we could all be together.
Mandy
Wow… Who knew that people feel EXACTLY like I do?
I lost my daughter, Sarah , on March 8, 2008. She was 30 ,and she was the only person in my whole stupid life that “got me”. I can’t seem to make anyone understand what it means to not have that anymore.
I have felt so guilty for not wanting to live and thought something was surely wrong with me.
I thought maybe I was crazy to pretend she is here sometimes. I even talk to her, but she doesn’t talk back and that hurts so much.
I have tried to do all the “right things” and people say I am doing great…a real inspiration. I’m not doing great…I hate that people would think that I will ever do great. How can I do great?
I just want to get in the bed and never get up. Why can’t I just do that?
Who cares? Certainly not me.
This is never going to go away.
Thank you for sharing “our” feelings. I am so sorry for all of you. I wish there was something I could do, something anyone could do.
Merris
I read what you wrote and know just how you feel. I lost my daughter almost 3 yrs ago. The pain of it was unreal. I did not think I would ever be the same. Just when I thought I was ready to get a job after all this time and start taking steps that my family needed from me so bad my 16 yr old son took his own life. That was just 2 weeks ago. my hands are shaking so bad while i type this. I had two kids and now they are both gone. My son was the one thing that did keep me going. I knew I had to be there for him. I had to get up every day and give him a family life. I loved him so much I did everything for him. I was the one that found him. He was a happy kid more friends that I ever had. He was so great. I will never know why. His best friends have no clue why. All I know is that in less than 3yrs I have lost my daughter age 9 who drowned, My father past away, my sister who was always there for me passed away at 42, My son at 16 who took his own life. I am taking one day at a time and I will not leave the rest of my family the way my son did. I have to ask will they ever know how much work it is for me to keep going??????
Karin