We Lost Our Son in September
November 26, 2007 by The Grief Blog
Filed under Blog, Dealing with Grief, Death and Dying, Death of a Child, Q&A
Thank you for hosting your radio show. It has helped my wife and I after the loss of our 19 year-old youngest son was killed in a traffic accident on 29 September 2007. We listen to past and present radio shows each evening. I never imagined there could be so much pain and suffering in the World until this tragedy struck our family. Why, is the unanswered question. Why did this happen? I can´t believe we lost this precious treasure, he was such a talented and loving son. He lost his future, his girlfriend and his best friend are so very traumatized.   Empty and broken heart, I agonize each moment of every day. We feel so terrible our son Tyler has no future, he loved living so very much. An angel walked among us. How very stupid I was to let him drive, didn´t smash his new motorbike, we hated it when he brought it home and warned him this exact accident could happen - always the cars that kill people on motorbikes - they never look out! Now the displeasure of legal proceedings against the motorist who made a U-Turn in the middle of the highway. I will never understand Why this stupid person could be so careless and cause the death of our son. Three eye-witnesses all blame the driver - a german tourist in a holiday rental car not respecting motoring laws. Smashed into a concrete barrier, his skull smashed and beautiful handsome face sunken from the injury. They tell me he was killed instantly. Yet I know he wanted to live - he was so talented and in love with living. No second chance, no scary warning, just a one time fat al accident. O.K. Mom, I´ll be back in ten minutes was his last words that fateful afternoon.    We had lunched together that Saturday, and he was so full of youthful interest. I recall examining his newly acquired crash helmet and questioning him about it´s fitness just hours before. I could relate more and even more about warning dreams and occurrences as well as visitations. I can´t get over this loss and posted a web site in a feeble effort to keep him alive. My heart goes out to all bereaved parents - surely losing a child is the absolute worst experience - like trying to climb out of the slippery slopes of Hell. I love you Tyler and am so very sorry you lost your future. You had much to live for - the entire World was yours. www.tylerenglegot.com
Drs. Gloria and Heidi RespondÂ
Dear Albert,
First let us say how very sorry we are for your loss. We know that no words can express how you feel and few words can give comfort. We want you to know that we truly understand. You are so right in saying “surely losing a child is the worst experience .” Nothing prepares us as parents to bury a child - the pain is indescribable.
We are so glad that the radio show has helped you and we encourage you to continue to listen. We invite you to call in if you have any questions of the guest. We also refer to or read letters on the air that come in to The Grief Blog so we encourage you to listen this coming Thursday. The guest for Thursday’s show is Gail Minger who also lost a son.
We encourage you, as well, to get involved with other parents who have also experienced the death of a child. The Compassionate Friends (http://www.compassionatefriends.org) is a group that can offer you the confort and support you need during this time when the wounds are so fresh and the grief so deep. If there is no chapter of Compassionate Friends in your area you may want to contact your local Hospice for a grief group recommendation. However, we understand that groups are not for everyone. If groups are not for you we recommend that you reach out to your family, church, and friends for support. We have found that the load of grief is lighter when it is not carried alone.Â
We will post your story on The Grief Blog because we believe others will be helped by it. We have a large and very compassionate group of visitors so you might want to check back for comments in the days to come.
Again, our condolences,
Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley
I am so sorry to read about your son Tyler’s death. My son Justin was killed on the 22nd August this year on his motor bike 4 days after he bought it. Justin was 26 and had dreamed of having a bike all his life. I never wanted to get him one, but at 26 he had a good job and managed to arrange finance for himself, and bought it. He was extemely happy on the Sunday when he brought it around to show us, I to, gave him all the warnings about other drivers and fatal stories that I have seen and heard over the years, his words to me were…. Mom if I die I die ,just pray that I’m not left paralized, never could I imagine that I would get that nightmare phone call 3 days later. MY HEART IS SHATTERED. Justin was the happiest he ever was at the time of his death, on the Monday he said to his boss, I have every thing I could ever wish for….. I hold onto that everyday, how happy he was. I have learnt over the last 3 months there is no right or wrong when it comes to grieving, and I encourage you to say and do what you need to. With Justin’s death I battle to understand how people don’t say any thing to me, and when I’m having a bad day want to know what is wrong???? If you had an arm amputated people would be forced to say something and ask how you feeling and how you coping, but because your pain is in the inside, some pretend it’s not there. when at times it’s all comsuming!!! You nor I will be “normal” again, it’s like we have to re-learn how to live life.I’m a trained counsellor and had worked for the cancer assosiation for many years -nothing can teach you or prepare you for a loss so great- all I can say to you and others, me included, keep talking, keep writing and take one day at a time, some say time heals - personally I don’t think so, Love does! the love you have for your son, the love he had for life and the love and joy of experiencing it with him.
warm regards,
Lianne
Thank you Lianne for your kind reply. You made several thoughtful remarks. Especially the idea that love heals, not time. I sense you have to carry-on in an a rather unfeeling environment. Our small town community has been extremely supportive and the hundreds of people who gave their condolences at Tyler´s funeral was remarkable owing that most were teenagers and young adults. Many came from neighboring towns and small villages and most I did not know - they were friends/acquainted with Tyler. I want you to know I see, I feel, and I share your grief. Justin was like Tyler; young people feeling very content with themselves, feeling invincible, and having their dream motorcycle. I cannot blame their desires or fault their youth. I blame myself for not getting the message across - the unwarranted danger of riding - it just isn´t worth it. I figure we live in chaos. A World of man-made machines, highways, and norms. This system constantly challenges each of us: paid with loss of life. And us that survive pay with unbearable agony. I so very much want my son back. I can only hope you and I will someday realize this hope. Until then, I will hold close the love and joy I had experiencing life with Tyler as you are with your Justin.
OOO
Albert
I am very sorry to hear about both Tylers and Justin’s death. I also have lost my son, Benjamin, on May 3, 2007. He was 16. He was in an accident that involved his first car that he got for his birthday last December 20th. He paid for half and his Grandfather helped him with the rest. He was not driving the car at the time, but a friend was goofing off acting like he was going to steal the car and Ben jumped on the hood yelling for his friend to stop. The friend did stop, but Ben lost his grip and flew off the hood hitting his head. He was in the hospital for a month. The doctors were starting rehab with him, even thou he was storming, when he suffered a massive stroke on the side of his brain that had not been damaged. Ben too was a very happy and great kid. Loved his family, church, and friends. I cry every day. I know it is hard not to blame yourself, but you should not. My mother inlaw told me today that Ben’s grandfather blames himself for helping Ben get the car. I told her it was not the cars fault. Ben loved that car. He was so proud of himself for saving his money and earning it. I could blame the kid that was driving the car, but I would have to blame Ben for jumping on top of the hood too. I am sorry to go on like this but it is hard not to talk about what happened. Ther is no way to justify what happened. I loved my Ben. Some days it is like I have losted him all over again. You think that you are getting better and then it slams you in the face again. I know that people do not know what to say to me, but it hurts when I see someone that I have not seen and I know that they know what has happened and they do not acknowledge Ben’s death and act as if nothing has happened. It is very hard to be happy these days. If I would have known that Ben was going to pass away that night I would have held his hand all night instead of trying to get some sleep. Just remembering what he went through and the trauma is very hard to deal with and to forget. I do not see how I can ever really, truly be happy again. I hope we can all find peace.
Amy
Dear Amy,
My heart grieves for you as I read about your precious son Benjamin. Unfortunately I share your lifelong pain, as my wife and I have suffered the loss of our first born daughter, Laura (27) the last day of March 2006, under tragic circumstances, and prior to that, our firstborn son, James, was killed in an automobile accident while traveling home from the east coast with his new truck that I had found for him on ebay. James was laid to rest on Oct. 4, 2004.
Amy, always remember that regardless of what anyone should ever tell you, only those who have actually experienced the death of their child really know and understand the depth of sorrow and grief that we share. This is not to make light of those who have experienced the unexpected loss of a parent or a brother or a sister. I know how hard it has been on my remaining five children. I’m a firm believer that the grief we bare will never subside, nor do I think that it should. This is not something the you “get over.” This is not something where the passing of time eases the pain, as in the case of close relationship gone bad. C.S. Lewis’ book, “A Grief Observed” was very dark and hard for me to read. Only one thing I took from his book that rang true. He said that the greater the love for someoone, the greater the grief.” This makes so much sense. I can’t even begin to tell you what I go thru on any given day. No matter how hard I try, I have 4-5 little mini breakdowns, (always hidden and away from others) where I weep uncontrolably because something that I’ve seen, thought about, etc. bring my children to mind. For me, I find solace in visiting the gravesite, — and it is rare for me to miss a day. I sit on James’ bench and read the inscription on the headstone for the millionth time and reflect on the incredible life that this young man of not quite 20 years had lived.
The only thing that has got my wife and me, and our children thru this horrific ordeal, has been our steadfast faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, knowing that our God is sovereign and that his providence extends to every area of our lives. Every one of James and Laura’s days were numbered, as was every step that they would take. This was the same for your precious Ben. The key however, is that in the midst of our grief and sorrow, — our sorrow doesn’t turn to despair. The life we live on this earth is short, and can be gone in the blink of an eye. We rejoice and have great hope in that wonderful day in which we will be reunited with our precious son and daughter. Each of us who have felt this pain have to comfort us the unforgettable memories of our child, the pictures, the videos, those momumental and endearing times that we will hold close to our hearts forever.
My hope today is that each of us who have experienced this kind of loss, will realize that there are countless thousands of others like us, and that we will reach out, and be that source of comfort and hope that is so greatly needed. I will add these families that I have read about here today…..to Albert, Lianne, and to Amy.
May the Lord richly bless you and your families.
Gregg
Oh! my goodness, to loose two children, I do not believe I could handle the grief. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family. I biggest fear if that I might loose another one of my children. I have a 13 year old and a 3 year old, both boys. If I did not have my three year old I do not know how I could deal with the loss of Ben. The lord knew what he was doing giving me Joshua so late in life, and to top it off we lost Ben on 5-3-2007 and Joshua’s birth date is 3-5-2004. It was like a sign when I saw the 5-3 and 3-5, that God was looking out for me. He knew I would need that baby to get through.
Ben’s birthday is the 20th of December. I will be going out to the grave on that day. I have never been one to go out to the grave site. My father is also buried at the same graveyard. Ben is next to him. They did not know each other in life, but I am sure they are together now. They have a lot in common. My Uncle Roy died 3 months before Ben I am sure they are all having a good time fishing and hunting, if one does those kind of things in heaven. I sure hope so. I lost my father when I was sixteen. Dad would have loved to have gotten a chance to know his grand kids, so I believe he is quite enjoying having a grandson with him now. It is this way of thinking that helps me to get by.
I have lost many of loved ones and friends, and I do agree that the loss of a child is far greater grief then any other. Until one has experienced the loss of a child they have no idea the pain or the hole that it leaves in your heart and soul.
Many blessing to all,
Amy
Dear Amy,
I have a similar setup - (yet different) I had Justin at the tender age of 17, I then had his sister Natalie at 18, then had Bradley five years later. Their father and I got divorced 8 years ago. Three years ago I met my current husband Peter and we decided at the ripe old age of 43 to try for a baby, and not too long after that ,little Sebastian was on his way.
When Sebastian was born, Justin was 25, Natalie 24 and Bradley 19, with one precious grand daughter from Natalie,Jemma who was 2.
All the children bonded beautifully with Sebastian- Justin spent lots of time with him, and in a certain way, I had an opportunity to see what kind a father Justin would have been. All the children adored him!
Sebastian was 15 months when Justin died, and had spent that Sunday with him when he came around to show us his new bike, I have precious photos of that day, and there is one in Sebastians room, which we look at every day. We have made special Chistmas decorations for Justin that will hang on our tree every year. I thank God for Sebastian, Jemma and my new little grand daugher Ruby - they kind of force you to laugh and sing and play , besides that’s what Justin would expect, he was always laughing and lived life to the fullest! I have also bought gifts for all the children out of Justin’s savings, and will include him in every thing we do every day.
I will be thinking of you on the 20th, and encourage you to do something special on Ben’s birthday. Celebrate the love and the joy that your young man brought and added to your special family.
I pray for peace and comfort for all of us during this holiday time!
Warm regards to Gregg, Albert and Amy - all your sharing has touched me deeply.
Love,
Lianne
Dear Lianne,
Thank you for your kind words. I was 43 when I had Joshua. It took me a year and a half to conceive him. With Ben it was a big surprise. I conceived him when my husband Doug and I had only been married two months, and had only know each other for three months. I was 29 when I had Ben. The lord gave him to us as soon as he could so we would have more time with him. Ben was a very much welcomed surprise. Children are a gift form God, and I am so blessed to have all of my gifts. Today I go to the gravesite to remember and share his memories. My family and friends go also. Today I hope will be a happy day. We should celebrate Ben’s life and thank God that we had Ben to enjoy. As I cry tears of saddness, Always Blessings Never Losses!!
May the Lord comfort all of us,
Love Amy
We lost our 34 year old son, Shane, in a vehicle accident in March of this year. Only a few short months ago. We understand only too well the pain and heartache that you feel.
We got pregnant with Shane on our honeymoon. We were so excited and thrilled when he was born. We had many more pregnancies after his birth, but none ended up blessing us with a sibling for Shane. He was our only child and much cherished.
As an adult he walked a much different and difficult path than we would have chosen for him. He lived with one foot outside the law and the other in the land of the Invincables. I often think that make us feel more protective and maybe the worry caused us to love him even more.
He was very much in love when he died. Last week his girlfriend was also killed in an auto accident. She suffered the same injuries he did. It makes me question my beliefs. Are our lives and our futures governed by fate?
Whatever the answer is… we need to hold each other tight and cherish the prescious minutes we have with the ones we love.
May we all find peace in our memories and embrace each day we have here on earth.
Love Barbara